This week's guest columnist is Lisbeth Salander, who's a hacker but not a hack, Wasp but not a WASP, and an all-around tough-as-nails badass.
Dear Lisbeth Salander,
I’m dating this woman who seems kind, smart, friendly—you get the picture. And man is she hot! I cannot wait to tap that as soon as I can! We’ve been together for almost two months.
Anyway, last week I accidentally found her on a new social media site. What I found there makes her seem like a Jekyll-and-Hyde personality. On social media, she’s a bullying, raving monster! It’s hard for me to reconcile her social-media persona with the person I thought I knew. I mean, should I keep seeing her or what? Remember, I said that’s she’s hot. But which is her real personality: the one I know in person or the one who hides behind the screen? Can she turn on me?
—Confused But Horny
Can’t wait to tap that, huh? She’s hot? You certainly have a way with words. For now, I ask that you calm down those raging hormones and listen to some good advice.
I live by what I call the Salander Principles. The most important one is this: an evil person will always be an evil person, and there’s no room for compromise in this type of relationship.
This girl you can’t wait to, ummm, tap? The one with a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality? Sorry to tell you, but she’s evil. Doing the horizontal mambo with her is a dangerous event unless you’re into pain and cruelty. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, if you know what I mean, but that’s personal taste.
Fun activities aside, you have a real potential problem here. Your “hot girl” is a nutcase, or as the head shrinks like to say, psychopath. Generally speaking, this person tends to be great at putting up a front of normal behavior. They’re charming, friendly, funny, make themselves sexually attractive, but it’s all superficial contact. Two months seems to be the longest time they can maintain this front. Deep inside, their nature is malicious. You’re in for a shock sooner than you think.
You need to find a quick way to break up with her before someone, you, gets hurt. Just make sure that you do the breakup in a public place, and make sure you change the locks on your door.
Oh, and you may want to start carrying a taser.
And if you’re interested in certain, ummm, activities, you can always email me here. I’m sure that we can arrange something we both can enjoy.
See also: Dear Lisbeth Salander: Paging Dr. Perv
She is the author of nine top-selling novels and is hard at work on a new series that features a paranormal investigator with distinct powers of her own. Houghton is also the author of two non-fiction books and numerous short stories which appear in popular horror anthologies.