Dear Lisbeth Salander: The Company You Keep

This week's guest columnist is Lisbeth Salander, who's a hacker but not a hack, Wasp but not a WASP, and an all-around tough-as-nails badass.

Dear Lisbeth Salander,

I have never written to anyone for advice, and truthfully I feel very foolish doing this. However, a friend of mine who had written to you concerning a problem she had told me that you were able to help her, and so I decided to finally ask for help. 

I am a single mother, and the problem is my 14-year-old son, Eric. He has become friends with some really bad boys. To put it bluntly, these kids have been in trouble with the cops many times, but because they’re underage, not much has been done.

To make matters worse, they seem to hang out at the home of one of the kids, Mikey, whose mother is a roaring drunk. This woman is giving alcohol and drugs to these boys. Eric came home one night so out of it that I didn’t know what to do, so I just let him sleep it off. He’s become nasty, rude, and verbally abusive to me. I fear that it’s only a matter of time until he becomes violent toward me.

I tried to speak to Mikey’s mother, but she laughed at me and called me some really nasty names. I am fearful of her because those boys will do anything she asks them to do, including home and property damage. A neighbor of hers had her car and front door badly damaged.

Please, can you give me advice on what to do? Eric is getting unmanageable.

Thank you,

Eric’s Mom

Dear Eric’s Mom,

This woman is giving alcohol and drugs to kids and no one has called the police? I know you said that the cops don’t do much because they’re underage, but obviously Mikey’s mom isn’t.

You should call the cops on the bitch and file a complaint. 

That being said, I know that you’re afraid of the consequences of such an action on your part. So, perhaps reporting her to the local cops isn’t the best way to deal with her. If you are not comfortable reporting directly to the police, you can contact the FBI. Yes, you read that right. This woman is basically a drug dealer, whether she is selling them or giving them away. She is endangering the welfare of a minor—in her case, make that minors plural—and that is a federal offense. Once they get involved and Mikey’s mom is arrested, that little gang of punks will disperse.

On the other hand, if you’d like me to get personally involved and get rid of the problem for you, Mikey’s mom and all, I know several really strong “enforcers” who work the Dark Web or Tor, and I’m sure they’d be more than happy to help a mother out. Until we get there, buy a good taser and don’t be afraid to use it.

Now about your son Eric. I’m contacting a buddy of mine who worked in extracting prisoners from foreign countries. He’ll come get Eric, bring him to me, and I’ll set him straight. When you come to see him in a couple of weeks, you’ll notice a big improvement in manners.


See also: Dear Lisbeth Salander: Dating Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde


Kristen Houghton’s new novel, Unrepentant: Pray for Us Sinners, book 3 in her best-selling series A Cate Harlow Private Investigation, is available at all book venues.

She is the author of nine top-selling novels and is hard at work on a new series that features a paranormal investigator with distinct powers of her own. Houghton is also the author of two non-fiction books and numerous short stories which appear in popular horror anthologies.

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