Fri
Jan 6 2017 3:30pm

Dear Mulder & Scully: New Year, New You

This week's guest columnist are FBI Special Agents Fox Mulder and Dr. Dana Scully, who—I want to believe—keep each other “balanced.” 


Dear Mulder and Scully,

I've been thinking about making some New Year’s resolutions. Do you guys recommend that I take part in this time honored tradition?

Signed,

—Auld Lang Syne

Dear ALS,

Mulder: We’ve been getting this question a lot—why does it seem nobody wants to make New Year’s resolutions anymore? I’ve heard some people in this column “just don’t do them.” I think we should tell our own New Year’s resolutions in the hopes that maybe it will inspire others.

Scully: Inspire others? Since when have we started to inspire people to develop trivial things like New Year’s resolutions?

Mulder: Come on, Scully. You can’t expect me to keep up this cool exterior every day. I would like to give back, occasionally. And you really think resolutions are trivial? You’re hardening with age, Scully.

Scully: You are obviously suffering from some form of amnesia. Have you hit your head recently?

Mulder: I will refrain from answering that on principle alone and instead pretend that you have a list of resolutions that you don’t want anybody to see. I hit a nerve with that one, didn’t I?

Scully: You’re hitting a nerve all right. Just not the one you’re referring to.

Mulder: All right, I can go first. Manners, Scully. Next year I am going to address my addiction to sunflower seeds.

Scully: You’re serious, aren’t you? You’re really doing this. Ok. Sunflower seeds. It would be nice not to find those shells all over the place. If you’re going to do that, I can try to be more open-minded.

Mulder: Wow—that was a big one. You took my spotlight with that one. An open-minded Scully. Now that’s something I’d like to see. What would that look like exactly?

Scully: I think it would make you uncontrollable. If there’s no voice of reason between us, it would be chaos. Maybe I should rethink that resolution.

Mulder: No, no. I can restrain myself. Just today I walked by the hot dog vender and didn’t buy anything. See?

Scully: That is something. It was nice to come in here and not smell of onions.

Mulder: Wait a minute, I have another resolution. I will get you to eat a hot dog cart hot dog!

Scully: I’m not going to eat that trash. You’re making a resolution you can’t keep. There’s no way I’m going to…

Mulder: Ahhh, wait. You said you were going to be more open-minded. This is where it starts, Scully.

Scully: *sighs* You’re really doing this. You won’t let it go, will you? If I agree to one hot dog will you leave me alone about it? 

Mulder: A chili dog, Scully. You’ve got to have the chili.

Scully: Ok. One chili dog. And that’s saying I won’t keel over from the sheer amount of preservatives.

Mulder: This is going to be a great year, Scully. I can already feel it.

See also: Dear Mulder & Scully: There's Something in the Woods ... Some—Thing!

 


Amber Keller is a writer who delves into dark, speculative fiction, particularly horror and suspense/thrillers. You can find her work on her Amazon Author Page and she also features many short stories on Diary of a Writer. A member of the Horror Writers Association, she contributes to many websites and eMagazines and you can follow her on Twitter @akeller9.

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