The Walking Dead Power Rankings 7.05: “Go Getters”

Check out Maggie’s stone-cold stare.

We used to wonder how they stretched The Hobbit into a trilogy of three full-length feature films—now all we can think about is how The Walking Dead has stretched what is essentially one episode into four. Every episode since “The Day Will Come When You Won't Be” could have been told between one of the show's constant commercial breaks. Instead, we get full-hour breakdowns of each camp that tend to induce a zombie-like state of boredom.

We get that a good amount of setup is necessary for a show with so many storylines and subplots, but for every forward-moving plot device, we get a sandwich montage and a roller-disco. Sunday night television has too many good options for The Walking Dead to continuously trot out these clunkers.

Walking Tall

From displays of dominance to faction elimination, a look at which characters saw their prospects rise this week

Adam Wagner: Ninja Jesus

Shaolin, please!

I know it sounds like a SyFy Original (or maybe something Trey Parker & Matt Stone would conjure up for the Super Best Friends), but did you see those moves!? Jump kick! Roundhouse! Sasha block!

Seriously, Netflix might have Iron Fist, but The Walking Dead has Ninja Jesus. Just look at his form!

In addition to the sweet, sweet karate, Jesus also seems to be climbing up the Hilltop. Gregory showed his true colors this week, and while Jesus doesn’t seem to want Gregory’s position, he seems poised to at least assume a majority of the decision-making responsibility.

Negan may be the boss, but Jesus is my savior.

Joe Brosnan: Carl

Must. Resist. Temptation. To. Make. Erection. Joke.

Carl’s like that one friend we all have who’s already had four beers too many and then proceeds to chug straight from the bottle of vodka in hopes of impressing one of the girls at the party. Sure, this Hail Mary might work out, but it’s much more likely that the only acquaintance he’ll be making tonight is one with the toilet.

The road ahead of Carl is a tough one. He’s headed deep into The Saviors’ compound, he’s planning on killing Negan, and if he gets that far, he’ll still need to escape a horde of angry Saviors if he wants to continue living. That sounds like it will be hard … just like Carl.


Pritpaul Bains: Maggie

Well, as it turns out, we're in need of having to compliment TWD for getting the small things right these days, so I'll give them props for handling Maggie right. Nobody wanted to see mourning, grief-ridden Maggie, and no one wanted another goddamned “is she or isn't she dead” retread of last season's Glenn fiasco.

Instead, viewers got a battle-hardened Maggie, ready to outlet her anger and sadness through ruthless efficiency and a long game. She's already getting Gregory off his game and showing other members of the Hilltop (Color-Me-Intrigued Jesus, for one) what she's made of. You don't need to be a fan of the comics to realize that things are eventually going to come to a head between her and Gregory. Who'd you put your money on?

Eaten Alive

From poor decisions to lost lives, a look at which characters lost ground this week.

PB: Gregory

Another character on his knees, say thankee-sai

Gah. Gregory is every sniveling, cowardly, groveling, lying, slimy, self-interested, conniving little worm of an opportunist that we've all known at some point in life. He is The Walking Dead's Grima Wormtongue, its Peter Pettigrew, its Unferth. 

Okay. Refusing to grant Maggie and Sasha shelter is cold, but at least it was a calculated move that could be defended from a logical perspective. Forgetting their names? Let's chalk it up to a passive-aggressive dickish assertion of dominance. But actively trying to sell out Maggie and Sasha after promising to hide them, especially after it turns out that they (along with Flying-Kick Jesus) are the only ones in the Hilltop worth a damn in Kombat? And stealing Glenn's inherited pocket watch? That's villainous exaggeration of comical proportions.

It's becoming abundantly clear that Gregory fell into power by accident and is simply using it to look out for himself under the pretense of the greater good. By the end of the episode, that power is clearly starting to erode thanks to the combined efforts of No-Longer-A-Beta Jesus, Maggie, and Sasha.

AW: Maggie

Even though Maggie went from grave visitor to Grave Digger, she’s still got herself in a Monster Jam. Gregory might be the easy choice for this week’s faller, and Maggie did kick some ass (although I think she needs to work on her right hook), but she’s still sick, pregnant, mourning Glenn, and a Walking Dead girl if Negan ever finds out she’s still alive.

Some might argue that her situation has improved since Episode 1, but … has it?

JB: My Attention Span

I’m learning more and more just how little I care about the majority of our extended cast. Rick is easily the most interesting character, and Andrew Lincoln is the show’s strongest actor. Please, for the love of all that is Metal-Gear Jesus, get back to your roots—otherwise I’m going to find myself drifting more and more towards Sunday Night Football.

Hershel’s Heroes

A tribute to the late, great Hershel Greene, this section searches for the best displays of humanity amidst chaos this week.

PB: Empathic Jesus

I mean, you kind of have to inject a character named Jesus with a heavy dose of empathy and humanity, don't you? Still, I find it hard to believe that so many people in the Saviors' satellite communities are now so beaten down, so devoid of human connection, that doing the right thing is such an inconceivable concept to them.

Jesus is the obvious exception to this rule, and he evolves throughout the episodes into a man more willing to take on responsibility for his community as a whole. His initially cautious power play with Gregory escalates, culminating in Semantics Jesus hiding Maggie and Sasha from the Saviors in the wrong closet (yes, that felt as ridiculous to watch as it did to type) and standing up for what he believes to be right in the end. 

I'm really hoping that Jesus and Ezekiel will go a long ways to keeping this season watchable.

An Honorable Mention goes to Enid, simply for not being a completely annoying brat this week.

JB: Maggie

It’s been a month since Glenn died, so I was relieved that we didn’t have to watch Maggie’s full grieving process. It sucks, but we’ve already moved on. Last night’s episode worked in the perfect amount of pain, but it still showed us a resolute and badass Maggie who’s no stranger to farm equipment. She seems to have combined the best traits from those she’s surrounded herself with: Rick’s pragmatism, Glenn’s decency, and Hershel’s humanism. It seems inevitable that Maggie will soon take over as leader of the Hilltop. Better watch out Saviors, Team Grimes is coming for you.

AW: Sasha

I had a slightly more deserving Hershel’s Hero all the way up until Scotch-Wasting Jesus had to pour out half a bottle of BALVENIE 21 YEAR PORTWOOD! There's a special rung in hell reserved for people who waste good scotch—and Jesus is Balvenie 21 a good scotch.

So that brings us to Sasha. While she’s mourning the death of Abraham, she knows it pales in comparison to the recent tragedy that befell the Rhee family. She’s in pain, but she sucks it up and makes sure that Maggie is properly cared for—to the point of sacrificing herself to take care of the zombie attack as well as leave the Hilltop if that’s what it takes to keep Maggie there and safe.

Rapid Fire

  • Carl & Enid sitting in a tree. (AW)
  • I’m really glad they had time to show some roller skating. Vital stuff right there. (JB)
  • Setting aside the sheer ridiculousness of it all, Carl and Enid roller-skating to the hilltop is the kind of sweet character moment this show could use more of. It made two of the most annoying characters on the show marginally less so, for a few seconds at least. (PB)
  • The car stereo and fires were a zombie lure ripped straight from Left 4 Dead. (PB)
  • Pretty sure I’ve seen that car parked outside the bodega by my house—but it was playing a different song. (AW)
  • I love the troll trunk. (AW)
Problem opening me up?
  • Hershel's pocket watch seems to have lost complete meaning to Maggie. She apparently can't get rid of it fast enough. (PB)
  • What the hell are Glenn and Abraham's graves doing at the Hilltop, rather than Alexandria? This makes zero sense. (PB)
  • Seriously! Ol’ Pour-One-Out-For-My-Dead-Homies Jesus needs to learn that it’s take a swig, pour a little out, and pass. (AW)
  • Jesus seems like a good, trusting guy. I’d hate for him to get … double-crossed. (AW)
  • Between major dart fail and Enid denigrating his aim, Carl is having a rough week. Depth perception jokes for the win! (PB)
  • Really hoping Carl starts rocking a monocle. (JB)
  • Tune in next week as Carl and Jesus swap their favorite hair grooming techniques. (JB)

Zombie Kill of the Week

Hit-n-run zombie, in which Carl compensates for his lack of depth perception by resorting to the mechanical equivalent of spray-and-pray tactics. He still drives better than Lori ever did.

See also: The Walking Dead Power Rankings 7.04: “Service”


Joe BrosnanAdam Wagner, and Pritpaul Bains all write for Criminal Element and love Spaghetti Tuesdays. Follow them on Twitter @joebro33@shagner904, and @pritpaulbains, respectively.


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