Dear Mulder & Scully: Someone to Cher Your Life With

This week's guest columnist are FBI Special Agents Fox Mulder and Dr. Dana Scully, who—I want to believe—keep each other “balanced.” 

Dear Mulder and Scully,

You are not going to believe what I have to tell you. I’m not sure I believe it myself, but here goes: My close friend, let’s call her Mary, came to me with a wild tale. She had recently moved back to town into her childhood home after her parents died.

Let start with a little backstory on Mary: She’s a loner. She works from her home and doesn’t leave the house, like ever. She’s … eccentric you might say. Also, she’s a virgin. I know, TMI, but it’s relevant to the story. How do I know this? Because I’m her best friend—her only friend. We grew up together. I lived a couple of houses down from her, but I have since moved across town.

When Mary moved back here, she started complaining of these strange dreams she was having—there would be times where she would sleep for days. In these dreams, she would see a misshapen person in her house. These dreams were, well, decidedly more steamy than I care to share with you, but you get the picture. Another strange thing about these dreams is that she said Cher was always playing in the background. Mary doesn’t listen to Cher and never has. 

Besides the excessive sleeping, she started getting sick. I didn’t know what to make of it, so I encouraged her to see a doctor. When she finally did, they discovered she was pregnant. Pregnant! She’s never been with a man. I don’t know a lot about immaculate conception, and barring one of those trashy talk shows like Jerry Springer, I didn’t know who else to go to with this.

Signed,

Friend of the Virgin Mary

Dear FVM,

Mulder: This is sounding pretty familiar, isn’t it, Scully?

Scully: I believe The Great Mutato strikes again.

Mulder: You’ve got to give him props for sticking with Cher all this time. I wonder if he was playing “Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves.”

Scully: She is the best. I mean look at her, I think she’s around 70 years old and can still wear a body suit.

Mulder: What, are you saying you want to be wearing body suits when you’re 70? This is very telling, Scully.

Scully: I’m just saying that’s impressive.

Mulder: Listen, Friend, you should first and foremost tell Mary that she’s not crazy—and that it’s not immaculate conception. It may be a very real, harmless, and lonely man that’s to blame for this. It’s his “Way of Love,” you might say.

Scully: Sigh. Besides immaculate conception being completely and scientifically impossible, there have been plenty of reports of virgins getting pregnant after a particularly heavy petting session. I’m more concerned with your friend’s isolation and possibly already suffering mental state.

Mulder: Heavy petting? You’re really letting go today, aren’t you?

Scully: Hey, I went to school with a girl that fell victim to this situation herself during her freshman year in college. 

Mulder: Amazing.

Scully: Yes, well, it’s biology, Mulder.

Mulder: Amazing. *sings* If I could turn back time…

Scully: … 

Mulder: If I could find a way. 

Scully: Anyway, I think it would be a good idea if we gave your friend a visit and share with her what we know. It may provide her some comfort.

Mulder: Absolutely. If this is something you’re both interested in, let us know.

Scully: In the mean time, be there for Mary.

Mulder: You might tell her … I got you, babe.

See also: Dear Mulder & Scully: There's Something in the Woods … Some—Thing!


Amber Keller is a writer who delves into dark, speculative fiction, particularly horror and suspense/thrillers. You can find her work on her Amazon Author Page and she also features many short stories on Diary of a Writer. A member of the Horror Writers Association, she contributes to many websites and eMagazines and you can follow her on Twitter @akeller9.

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