This week's guest columnist is a Mike Hammer, who's taking off his rumpled trench coat as he stumbles into his ratty office after an all-night stakeout that turned up bupkis.
Dear Literary Tough Guy,
My beautiful young wife is hardly ever home anymore and shows no interest in me. She works as a sous chef at a French restaurant, a fancy place where the owner is a celebrity chef who's known for womanizing.
How can I find whether she's cooking up more than appetizers and savory entrees?
Suspicious Husband Seeking Truth
The truth? Funny thing about that. It's never what you expect.
You walk into your office expecting to see fat piles of folders and an even fatter stack of unpaid bills. Instead, she's already sitting behind your desk, drinking your Jim Beam and playing with your .38 special.
But she’s got ruby-red lips, gambling debts the mob wants paid, and legs that just won’t quit—so you don’t do the smart thing and turn around to leave. No. You take out your notebook and listen to her sweet, sweet lies.
An older husband suspicious that his pretty young wife is having an affair? Oldest story in the book. There's no need to wire money to hire an experienced detective.
The question isn't whether she's taking you for a sucker. Look in the mirror, pal: you're a Jolly Rancher lollipop.
The real question is this: Do you have the stones to do anything about it?
And that's not the kind of mystery a private investigator can solve. Not in this town.
Guy Bergstrom is a speechwriter and reformed journalist. He's represented by literary agent Jill Marr and can be found on Twitter @speechwriterguy or at his blog, redpenofdoom.com. For etiquette questions you want answered in this column, try firstname.lastname@example.org.