Dear Lisbeth Salander: I Want Revenge

This week's guest columnist is Lisbeth Salander, who's a hacker but not a hack, Wasp but not a WASP, and an all-around tough-as-nails badass.

Dear Girl With the Dragon Tattoo,

As I write this to you, I am contemplating ending it all. Okay, I’m drunk, but that’s how I feel. The man I was with for over two years dumped me for a blonde bimbo-type. He’s been buying her gifts and taking her on trips with the money from our joint savings account, all of which was put there by me. He has no job.  

I did everything for this guy: cooked his favorite dinners, paid all the bills, and bought him an expensive motorcycle. Despite all this, he treated me like crap. This bimbo does nothing for him and he treats her like a queen! I want to text him right now but, as I said, I am just a little fuzzy.

He told me when he left that he will come over in a couple of days to pick up his things and to get his share of the money left in our account. I feel that life isn’t worth living without him, but then, I also want revenge!

—Desperate Diana

Dear Double D,

You know what? I have no patience with any person wanting to end it all because of a loser guy. Put into perspective, do you realize that there are worse things happening to people in this world than losing a guy to a bimbo? Things like war, crushing poverty, hunger, and systemic violence. And, forget doing a cryptic drunk text to this idiot. You will wrongly assume that if he does text you back there’s still a chance he will come back to you—and that is not going to happen. You have got to move on girl!

Speaking of moving on, revenge is a great way of doing just that, and it also happens to be a specialty of mine. I have several scenarios in mind for you. Choose one.

1.      When he does show up, have his favorite dinner prepared—only this time, make sure that it is poison-filled.

2.      Get him stinking drunk, then tie him to your bed with nylon ropes and perform a “little nip and tuck” on his man parts. A 10-inch kitchen knife is very good for this type of revenge. Send the “nipped” parts to the bimbo.

3.      Rent a billboard and have his name and this message written on it: “Good riddance you lying, cheating bastard. This billboard was paid for with the money in our now depleted bank account. See how long the bimbo stays with you now.”  

Remember Double D, life is not about finding someone, it is about being someone. This loser may not even be worth your time.

Personally, number 2 of the revenge choices appeals to me the most, but then, I like revenge.

Lisbeth, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo


Kristen Houghton is the author of nine top-selling novels, including the best-selling new series, A Cate Harlow Private Investigation. She is hard at work on book 3 in the series. This summer, she will begin writing a series that features a paranormal investigator with distinct powers of her own.

She is also the author of two non-fiction books. Her short horror stories appear in The Horror Zine anthologies. She is also the author of two non-fiction books. Her short stories appear in many anthologies. Kristen is a former linguistics teacher.


  1. Kristen Howell

    Yes!!!!!! Love this advice column, so wicked!

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