Dear Godfather, You’ve Got Mail

Back in its heyday, the Mob had its own lingo. Talking in code kept the Feds guessing and the rest of the Family in line. Take something as simple as putting out a hit on somebody. You had to square it through the chain of command, from goomba to goomba, then up the line until you got a sit-down with the Boss. What a hassle! No wonder so many wiseguys took care of their own “problems.”

Today’s technology would have sped up the process. In text speak, the “I RFD 411 U 2MORONITE” translated: “I request for discussion information with you tomorrow night” might have got the sender whacked, if all the Boss saw was U 2 MORON!

Tweeting might have had a little more effect on a positive outcome for the client. Only problem? @Imagunforhire might draw some attention.

Facebook? What would be the consequences of unfriending someone? Not pretty.  

So let’s imagine what would happen if the Mob had access to email. It might have gone something like this:  

Dear Godfather,

Our family needs your assistance. My sister has a pigeon problem at her restaurant. It seems some associates are feeding dough to it and now it won’t stand up.

Any help in this matter would be greatly appreciated.

Deepest respect,

Lenny

Translation: Someone at her restaurant is being paid off by the Feds and he’s a threat to the organization.

 

Dear Lenny,

I sympathize with her pigeon problem. Too bad it doesn’t go south for the winter. Does she also have a problem with rats? I have a friend of mine willing to grab a suitcase and head over there.

Godfather

Translation: I’ll do what I can. Hopefully, he will leave town. Does she have someone snitching to the cops?  I’ll send someone from outside the organization with a lawyer.

 

Dear Godfather,

Your friend might need to bring more than a suitcase. It looks like she’s infested! She tried using grease from the can to catch them, but that just made things worse.

Your loyal nephew,

Lenny

Translation: She needs more than a lawyer. She tried paying them off while she was in prison, but now they want more money.

 

Dear Lenny,

Would your sister consider inviting Tommy to join her at the table? She’d have to agree not to turn up the heat. Tommy is very sensitive.

Godfather

Translation: I can send some guys with Tommy guns but make sure there are no cops or reporters around.

 

Dear Godfather,

Great idea, Godfather! I’ll make sure she cleans all the crumbs out of her restaurant first!

Take care,

Lenny

Translation: She needs to chase all the innocent bystanders out before the action starts.

 

Dear Lenny,

I’ll tell Tommy to be careful not to knock over her fence or trip over any wires. Let me know how it turns out.

Godfather

Translation: I’ll tell the guys not to steal any stuff she can pawn or get caught on any wiretaps.

 

Dear Godfather,

Thank you Godfather! It was a hit!

Lenny

Translation: Thank you Godfather! It was a hit!
 


Cindy Kerschner is an avid mystery fan, freelance writer, and professional cook. You can learn about her through her website at Cindy’s Recipes and Writings.

Read all posts by Cindy Kerschner for Criminal Element.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *