Our Favorite Turkey Talk-Line Callers are Clueless

Butterball's Turkey Talk-Line, established in 1981, has taken over a million calls for help, with over 10,000 of those usually occurring on Thanksgiving alone. We understand that stress pares off IQ points, and it can be nervewracking to cook multitudinous dishes for judgmental guests, but compiled from Popular Mechanics, Snopes, and AOL News, here are our favorite categories of cluelessness:

1) When people lose their birds. They place their oversized fowls outside on a chilly porch or even in snowbanks in states where things like raccoons exist, which is to say, all of them.

2) When people lose other items… inside their birds…like Hot Wheels cars or a chihuahua.

3) When people lose their meat. Even after the turkey's cooked, sometimes hungry callers demand to know why there's nothing but bones to eat. Almost always, flipping the bird so the breast meat faces upward fixes the problem. *cue cheering in the background*

4) When people lose their damned minds, like the woman who wanted to serve turkey on a bed of kitty litter, the guy who wanted to carve it with a chainsaw, or a completely different guy planning to baste it in motor oil.

Above all, keep your cool this holiday—you might try frozen turkey bowling—call for help when you must, and

Happy Thanksgiving from all of us at CriminalElement.com!