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From The Blog
August 18, 2017
From HR to PI
Adam Walker Phillips
August 18, 2017
Boat’s Distress Call Leads to Huge Marijuana Bust
Teddy Pierson
August 15, 2017
Page to Screen: Hopscotch
Brian Greene
August 15, 2017
Q&A with Kelley Armstrong, Author of Rituals
Kelley Armstrong and John Valeri
August 14, 2017
A Different Kind of Crime Family
Allison Brennan
Showing posts by: Teddy Pierson click to see Teddy Pierson's profile
Fri
Aug 18 2017 12:00pm

Boat’s Distress Call Leads to Huge Marijuana Bust

Here is another story where a couple of lame-brain crooks did something just plain stupid. This time, we take to the seven seas to follow a couple of marijuana smugglers who ran into some mechanical problems with their boat.

According to a report by CNN, the U.S. Coast Guard announced that they arrested two people and seized 1,200 pounds of marijuana after receiving a distress call while out on patrol off the shores of San Diego.

According to the reports, two boat flares were spotted by two different patrols at around 10:45 p.m. After reaching the boat in distress and learning of the shipment, the crew transferred the huge bundles of pot to a Coast Guard ship and towed the seized boat to the U.S. Customs and Border Protection dock.

Fri
Aug 11 2017 12:00pm

Man Straps Huge Stolen Street Lamp to Car

Man straps stole street lamp to car

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. But sometimes a picture is worth a thousand laughs too. This week's perp derp provided the latter for us.

According to BBC, a man in England was arrested after he was caught trying to steal two giant street lampposts. The unnamed driver had not only stolen the lampposts but had tied them to the roof of his car and driven through the streets with them sticking out over 15 feet in front and behind his car.

It seems no one knows yet exactly where he got the lamp posts or how he got them on to the top of his car by himself. Either way, it is equally impressive and hilarious.

He has since been charged with theft, DWI, and failing to tell the police what the hell he was thinking.  

Fri
Aug 4 2017 12:00pm

Naked Bank Robber Runs Down Street Throwing Money

It is not every day you see a naked man running down the street. Not to mention a naked man running down the street tossing cash like a madman. 

According to The Sun Sentinel, a 25-year-old man from Florida is in jail on robbery charges after he allegedly robbed a bank and then ran down the street completely naked, throwing the cash he just stole onto the street. Must have been quite the scene.

Here is how it all went down: The man, Alexander Hayden Sperber, entered a bank and told a teller he had a gun and that this was a robbery. The teller, of course, went along with it and put close to $5,000 in a sack and handed it over.

But what Sperber didn't know was that the teller stuffed a red dye pack in the bag with the loot. The dye pack exploded and totally covered the money and his clothing in bright red paint. The logical next choice: strip naked and run away while ridding yourself of the tainted cash. We're going streaking!

Here is the kicker: After he was placed under arrest, he told the FBI that he robbed the bank in hopes of kicking off his career as a comedian.

Funny guy, eh? I think I know where he can get his first gig...

Fri
Jul 28 2017 12:05pm

Sick Man Brings Trash Bag Full of Weed to ER

Here is a short tale about one of the many things one should not bring to a hospital when feeling under the weather.

According to The Denver Post, police from Colorado confiscated a whole trash bag full of marijuana from a 50-year-old transient man who came to a freestanding emergency room. The man told police he found the bag in the dumpster of a pot shop and thought it was okay to take due to the laws in Colorado.

The police spokesman went on to say:

“I think there’s a lot of misinformation, misconception people have, especially those out of state that marijuana is legal in Colorado period. Colorado law is specific. If more than 12 ounces of pot is in your possession, you are into the felony category now. Anywhere from 1 ounce to 12 ounces is a misdemeanor.”

Police later weighed the huge bag of wacky-tobaccy at a whopping 1.8 pounds—which has a street value of $1,200 to $2,100. They are still deciding whether to charge the man while he recovers from flu-like symptoms. Odds are they will most likely not prescribe him marijuana as treatment.

Fri
Jul 21 2017 12:00pm

Woman Gets DWI After Attempting to Bail Out Friend

You know that old saying, “Friends don't let friends drive drunk”? It seems someone forgot to mention that to a bunch of Louisiana residents.

According to the NY Post, police pulled over what they described as “a car full of drunk people,” and the driver was arrested for DWI. After the driver was taken into custody, the other passengers—who were also drunk—were sent on their merry way in a cab. The police officers figured that was the end of the story. Nope.

About one hour later, one of the drunk passengers returned to pick up the impounded vehicle and post bail for their friend. The police officer remembered her and placed her under arrest for driving while intoxicated.

Police offered their Saturday morning cartoon PSA, saying “Lesson of the day ... don't drive drunk to a police station in order to bail out your drunk friend!”

Fri
Jul 14 2017 11:08am

Suspect Claims Van Full of Marijuana Was for Personal Use

This week's perp derp must have channeled the spirit of Cheech & Chong when he claimed that a truck loaded with marijuana was all for personal use.

According to The Metro, Shane Prosser was driving along and minding his own business when police pulled him over due to the strong stench of weed that engulfed the officer as Prosser's truck drove by.

When Prosser spoke to the officers, he admitted that his passenger and himself smoked marijuana and that the truck contained some more for his own personal use. But after a quick look-see in the truck, the officers discovered hundreds of pounds of the green stuff.

They also found keys to a farm that led them to find a whole cannabis-growing operation. Prosser continued to deny that he possessed all of that cannabis with the intent to sell. Cool story, bro...

Fri
Jul 7 2017 10:53am

Suspect Attempts to Use “Get Out of Jail Free” Card

This column pokes fun at those who are not the sharpest tool in the crime shed. However, this week's perp derp gets a gold star from me for the effort he put forth during an encounter with police.

According to CBS, a man was pulled over after a police officer noticed the car was registered to someone wanted on a warrant. The officer also witnessed that the passenger was not wearing his seatbelt. After putting on his lights and pulling the gentlemen over, he discovered the passenger was also wanted on a controlled substance warrant. Double bonus.

The police officer searched the suspect, who pulled out a secret weapon: a get out of jail free card. Yes, the card from Monopoly’s “Chance” pile. The suspect took his chance but failed. He was still placed under arrest and went to jail—and he did not collect $200 either.

The officer appreciated the humor so much that he shared the story with the manager of their department's Facebook page.

Fri
Jun 30 2017 11:00am

Woman Arrested After Faking Constipation

What would you do if you knew you were about to be arrested? Would you give yourself up peacefully? Would you try to run? Would you plead? Would you... pretend to be constipated? Guess which one this week's perp derp picked.

According to the folks at WAVE-TV, Myra Cook was at the University of Louisville Hospital when police showed up to let her know that she would be arrested for drug charges upon discharge. This put Cook into a panic, but she quickly came up with a foolproof plan—or so she thought. She told the officers she needed to use the bathroom before being ushered off to jail. The officer found this to be reasonable and allowed her to go.

After about an hour, she peeked out of the bathroom to let the officers know that she was constipated and her arrest was going to have to wait. But the officer was having none of it and told her she had another minute before she would be charged with resisting arrest as well. So Cook improvised by faking a seizure. This did not go well, and she was ultimately sedated. Even after being sedated, she was not going to jail without a fight—it took seven cops just to get her into a police car! To be fair, being constipated can make you rather cranky.

Fri
Jun 23 2017 11:01am

Thieves Steal GPS Devices that Lead to Their Arrest

It takes a special kind of perp derp to steal 100 GPS tracking devices and expect not to get caught. But then we wouldn't have this column...

According to NBC, a couple of thieves stole over 100 GPS devices from a Silicon Valley company called RoamBee, who specializes in tracking technology. And as you might have easily guessed, they were caught within hours of the heist after police tracked them down using the stolen devices themselves. Duh!  

The GPS company co-founder Vidya Subramanian told reporters,"The moment we realized they had a box of trackers, we went into recovery mode. We notified the police and equipped them to track the devices, and in about 5 or 6 hours, it was done.”

The two rocket scientists thieves were arrested. Here is the strangest part of this story: besides the stolen GPS devices, police also found a stolen photo album containing irreplaceable shots from World War II.

I am glad to know those photos now have a chance to make their way back to the rightful owners. Maybe RoamBee should specialize in a Find My War Photos app for the future...

Fri
Jun 16 2017 11:02am

Waiting for Nuggets Leads to 911 Call

This week, I bring you another tale of the almighty chicken nugget. You might remember I reported on another chicken nugget incident earlier this year that involved a young man pulling a gun on a girl over the golden goodness. This time around, a woman displayed zero patience in waiting for her cripsy treat. What can I say, people really love their nuggets...

According to The New Times, police were dispatched to a McDonald's in Waco, Texas, after a woman called 9-1-1 to complain about how long her chicken nuggets were taking. Yes, you read that sentence correctly. Read it again if you are still shocked and/or confused.

Meanwhile, a restaurant employee simultaneously called the police to report the woman for refusing to leave the drive-thru lane. She really wanted her nuggets.

When the police arrived on a scene, the woman claimed she should get the nuggets for free due to how long she waited. But everyone knows there's no such thing as a free lunch. The unidentified woman was given her money back and told to scram. The nuggets were taken in for questioning.

Fri
Jun 9 2017 1:00pm

Arrogant Drug Dealer Busted During Facebook Live Stream

A drug dealer with extreme hubris thought he was all about the Benjamins until the police raided his home. The best part: all of this unfolded for the world to see via Facebook's streaming video service, Facebook Live.

According to the NY Post, Breon Hollings switched on Facebook Live to brag about how much cash he had by fanning it out and talking about how great he was. His one-man show came to an abrupt halt about a minute into his self-serving speech when he notices movement outside his window and hears a loud knock at his door. Knock, knock! Guess who?

[Watch the video below!]

Fri
May 26 2017 11:01am

Home Depot Imposter Steals Air Conditioners

This week's perp derp struggled with an identity crisis while committing a chilling robbery. Let me explain...

Bernardo Calana, 53, suited up in Home Depot armor—aka an orange apron—and posed as a faithful employee in order to steal a couple of air conditioners from a store in New Hampshire.

According to the New York Post, he tossed the air conditioner units in his truck and then quickly went back inside. An eagle-eyed manager called the police when he noticed the guy’s apron had flowers and the name “Shannon” on it.

Calana left the scene but was arrested when he returned to the store shortly after. Police say Calana denied having any knowledge of the missing air conditioners.

Fri
May 19 2017 11:03am

Shoplifter Falls Short After Robbery

Having a good getaway plan is one of the cornerstones of any good heist. Sadly, this week’s perp derp stumbled at this task in a spectacular fail.

According to NY Daily News, a woman who tried to flee from a Walmart in Canada with a shopping cart full of loot tripped herself up by face-planting into the pavement while being chased. After the fall, she quickly brushed herself off and hightailed it out of there ... without the goods or her dignity.

Police are now on the lookout for her, but they are confident they will catch the clumsy crook. The local police tweeted the fall with the hope that the someone can help track her down—and obviously for the laughs. Enjoy!

Fri
May 12 2017 11:01am

Fraud Case Leaves Woman Smacking Her Own Head

Imagine you are at work, minding your own business, when all of a sudden a metal sprinkler head falls on your desk. What do you do? Most people would thank whatever god they believed in that it did not land on their head. But for one perp derp, she chose to smack herself on the noggin with it.

According to a report by Fox 13, Sheyla White was convicted of fraud after she smacked herself in the head with a fallen sprinkler from her office ceiling and tried to use the injury to collect worker’s compensation.

Her plan almost worked, but a video emerged showing her whacking the sprinkler on her head after it fell onto her desk from above.

She was sentenced to 18 months of probation. Check out the video below!

Fri
May 5 2017 11:04am

Flower Thief Steals from Cemetery

Criminals are considered bad people, but some go beyond that label and enter the realm of down-right sleazy losers. 

According to NJ.com, a florist has been caught stealing flowers from a cemetery in the dead of night. Riverdale, NJ, resident Lynda S. Wingate was caught removing plants from graves and tombstones and gently placing them in the back of her minivan. Little did she know, hidden cameras were installed earlier due to complaints about flowers gone missing over night.

After the police reviewed the utterly disgraceful footage, Wingate was arrested and charged with theft of moveable property.

Sadly for me, this perp derp hails from the area where I grew up. So this story makes me shake my fist angrily on a few levels. And get this! Before Wingate got into stealing dead people's flowers under the pale moonlight, she worked as a police dispatcher. Derp!

Fri
Apr 28 2017 11:06am

Bad Penmanship Almost Foils Robbery

This week's tale might be further evidence that penmanship is a dying art these days thanks to computers and smartphones. Let me explain:

According to KRON, a man's sloppy handwriting almost put the kibosh on the robbery he was attempting to pull off. Apparently, the man walked into a Family Dollar store and slid a note demanding money to one of the employees behind the register. However, the employee could not read what the note said, so he handed it back and asked the guy to read it to him. How embarrassing!

The robber, of course, could read his own scribblings aloud without any problems, and the clerk quickly complied by emptying out the cash register and handing over a pack of smokes.

The man then skedaddled and got away scot-free. That is, until local police released a photo from the store's surveillance camera of the suspect. It did not take long for police to get some leads that led to his capture.

I will admit, my penmanship is pretty horrible too. How is yours?

Fri
Apr 21 2017 11:00am

Home Invader Cooks Himself Chicken

Would you mind coming home to a fully cooked chicken dinner? Would you feel the same if the person who cooked it was a bugler who broke into your house? Enter this week's perp derp...

According to FOX, a Florida woman returned home to find a strange man in her home frying up some succulent chicken and sipping on some vodka—her vodka. Welcome home, Lucy!!

As you might have guessed, the woman freaked out and jumped on the phone to call the police. The local police arrived on the scene and arrested Ronald G. Wesly, 34, and charged him with burglary.

Wesly allegedly went into the woman’s home after she left for work and must have been having so much fun that he did not realize how long he was there.

Okay, I am now in the mood for some fried chicken. Who wants to join me?

Fri
Apr 14 2017 11:03am

Phone Thief Runs Directly Into Police

Instant karma and instant regret all in about 15 seconds—this was the fate of the perp derp in this installment of Just Plain Stupid

According to UPI, a street thief in China who snatched a woman’s phone was captured only seconds after the cellphone jacking when the man realized his getaway route ran him right into a police station. It seems the thief was totally clueless of the surroundings and did not notice that the precinct’s parking was directly in his path. D'oh!

Luckily for us, there was a surveillance camera rolling (see below), and it shows the entire incident. The victim tried to follow the man but tripped and fell. Thankfully, she was unhurt in the tumble and also got her phone back.

[Watch the video below!]

Fri
Apr 7 2017 11:00am

Thieves Busted After Driving Stolen SUV to Courthouse

Criminals are often classified as not having good common sense. Well, it's clear that this week's perp derps have no common sense at all.

According to KRQE,  the pair of car thieves found themselves arrested after the LoJack system in the stolen SUV they were driving alerted police to their location. Here is the kicker: that location happened to be the courthouse where they were picking up ankle monitors from a previous kidnapping arrest.

Police were dumbfounded but quickly found the duo and arrested them at the scene.