Review: <i>Madness Treads Lightly</i> by Polina Dashkova Review: Madness Treads Lightly by Polina Dashkova Ardi Alspach Read Ardi Alspach's review! Discount: <i>The Prisoner of Hell Gate</i> by Dana I. Wolff Discount: The Prisoner of Hell Gate by Dana I. Wolff Crime HQ Get a digital copy for $1.99 through October! Cover Reveal: <i>Not Her Daughter</i> by Rea Frey Cover Reveal: Not Her Daughter by Rea Frey Crime HQ See the beautiful cover & order your copy today! <i>Dying to Live</i>: Excerpt Dying to Live: Excerpt Michael Stanley The sixth Detective Kubu Mystery, set against the richly beautiful backdrop of Botswana.
From The Blog
October 17, 2017
Review: Blade Runner 2049 (2017)
Adam Wagner
October 15, 2017
Executed 100 Years Ago: Who Was Mata Hari?
David Cranmer
October 13, 2017
6 Eerie, Mysterious, and Unsettling Unsolved Mysteries
Angie Barry
October 13, 2017
Man Arrested for 28th DUI
Teddy Pierson
October 12, 2017
Celebrating Robert Mitchum’s Centennial: Mitch Goes to War
David Cranmer
Showing posts by: Teddy Pierson click to see Teddy Pierson's profile
Fri
Oct 13 2017 12:00pm

Man Arrested for 28th DUI

Nothing to be proud of

Most of us strive to be the best at something while we are on this planet. Some want to be the best baseball player. Others might want to be the best at eating hot dogs. This week's perp derp is the best at being arrested for drunk driving.

According to The New York Post, a man was charged with his 28th—yes, 28th—DUI. The police say the man has broken the record for the number of drunk driving arrests in the state of New York. He went for the gold and got it ... or perhaps he went for the bottle of Goldschläger.

The man's criminal history highlight reel already includes spending four years in prison for a prior drunken driving offense. He has also been ordered to seek treatment on at least 12 other occasions, which does not seem to be working out for him.

During the traffic stop that led to his record-breaking arrest, he said, “I am way over. Take me to jail.” At least he did not play any games with the police and accepted his new title.

If convicted of his latest charge, the maximum sentence he will face is seven years in prison. In my opinion, that seems very lenient...

Fri
Oct 6 2017 12:00pm

Drug Dealer Mistakenly Texts Police

Raise your hand if you have ever messed up and sent a text message to the wrong person by mistake? If you could see me right now, you would notice I have both hands up—way up. However, this week's perp derp has me beat.

According to the crew at WLOX, a drug dealer mistakenly texted a local police officer while trying to set up a drug deal. Whoops!

In the text he wrote, “Hey Jen lmk if you need any trees.” The guy even used a tree emoji to drive home his point. After the officer received it, he played along and set up a meeting to buy some “trees,” aka marijuana. The man told the officer where to meet up and said he would be the dude walking his dog. He even told the officer to bring a scale with him.

They both met up at the designated location, and to the dealer's surprise, he was arrested on the spot. After a quick search, the officer found 16 grams of marijuana.

The man was charged with one count of possession of marijuana less than 20 grams, possession of drug paraphernalia, and possession of marijuana with intent to sell.

Fri
Sep 29 2017 12:00pm

Man Breaks Into Home to Sleep

Sometimes perp derps are just so hot and tired from the blazing sun that they need to rest—even if that means breaking into someone else’s house to do it.

According to the Palm Beach Post, a sleepy man was placed under arrest after he confessed to breaking into a resort home in Key Largo, Florida, to take a nap in the comfort of the air-conditioned oasis it offered.

The police were called after the resort’s security guard reported a suspicious man riding around on a bicycle within the gated community. The man was again spotted a little bit later but refused to stop when the guard asked him to. Instead, the man dropped his bike, jumped into the ocean, and swam away into the sunset.

A short while later, one of the police officers spotted the man near where he had originally jumped into the water. When the officer yelled out to the man, he swam away—again! This guy was slippery!

Shortly after his second swim, a state wildlife officer found the man standing in the roadway, and he was taken into custody without any more fuss. The man was charged with burglary, criminal mischief, and resisting arrest.

Fri
Sep 22 2017 1:00pm

Drunk Man Calls 911 for Lift Home

When you are way too drunk to drive home, who do you call? A friend? Uber? The Ghostbusters? This week's perp derp decided against all of those and instead dialed 911. Brilliant!

According to WFMZ News, a New Jersey man allegedly called 911 to get a ride to his apartment in Mansfield Township. Police published a statement that said:

“We understand and empathize with the people who will comment and say well, at least he didn't drive drunk.”

It also went on to say:

“We are happy he didn't get behind the wheel and get in an accident and hurt somebody or himself, but that's not the issue here. The main issue here is tying up the 911 line for a gratuitous ride home. We want the public to know that 911 is for emergencies—and that's it.”

Fortunately, the man finally got a lift home, but not before he was charged with disorderly conduct.

Fri
Sep 15 2017 11:00am
Original Story

Drunk Man Sells Car, Forgets, Reports Car Stolen

Teddy Pierson

If you think you have had some bad nights of drinking too much, sit back, because this story will make you feel a bit better about yourself. It did for me.

According to the folks at The Telegraph, a man went on a drinking spree over the weekend and reached the point where he needed more money to keep the drinks flowing. So he had the bright idea to sell his car to get more green to fuel the rest of his evening. Reportedly, he got $800 for his wheels—more than enough to continue his binge—and partied till he passed out.

However, when he woke up the next day, he totally forgot the whole selling his car to get more booze money thing. So he called the local police to report that his car stolen.

Thankfully, the man who purchased the car did his due diligence and checked CarJam, a website that provides vehicle history information. When the man was alerted that the car was stolen, he brought it in to the police and explained the whole situation—which I can only imagine produced as many head scratches as laughs.

At the end of the day, the police let the two men work it out among themselves and sent them on their way.

Fri
Sep 1 2017 12:00pm

Intoxicated Woman Steals Lure Straight from Fishing Line

Holy mackerel! A woman was arrested recently after she swam up to a fisherman, cursed him out, bit off the lure, and swam off with it in her mouth. No, I am not making this up. Yes, this actually happened.

According to The New York Post, Alexandria Turner, 22, was placed under arrest on suspicion of intoxication, resisting arrest, and impersonating a fish (not a real charge—threw that one in for the halibut). According to the police report, Turner also “caused a scene” at the pier where it happened and was not very cooperative.

Turner clammed up when asked what the sole purpose of the outburst was. No one else in her grouper seems to know why she did it, either. Why do you think she did it? Let me know in the comments!

Fri
Aug 25 2017 12:00pm

Drunk Man Hits 17 Cars, Gets Arrested

A man from Florida has been booked on drunk driving charges after he hit 17 cars in an attempt to park his car at in an apartment complex. Yup, 17 cars!

According to CBS, at about four in the morning, troopers responded to a spree of reports about a drunk driver that had hit several cars inside the Gate apartment complex. As soon as the troopers arrived, they quickly determined that a blue 2003 Chevy Blazer—driven by 25-year-old Tony Futch—had struck 17 parked vehicles in eight different crashes as the impaired driver continually attempted to park his vehicle.

He was arrested for DUI on the spot. He even refused to submit to a breathalyzer test.

It is unclear if this incident has made it into The Guinness Book of World Records. I'm sure it is a contender...

Fri
Aug 18 2017 12:00pm

Boat’s Distress Call Leads to Huge Marijuana Bust

Here is another story where a couple of lame-brain crooks did something just plain stupid. This time, we take to the seven seas to follow a couple of marijuana smugglers who ran into some mechanical problems with their boat.

According to a report by CNN, the U.S. Coast Guard announced that they arrested two people and seized 1,200 pounds of marijuana after receiving a distress call while out on patrol off the shores of San Diego.

According to the reports, two boat flares were spotted by two different patrols at around 10:45 p.m. After reaching the boat in distress and learning of the shipment, the crew transferred the huge bundles of pot to a Coast Guard ship and towed the seized boat to the U.S. Customs and Border Protection dock.

Fri
Aug 11 2017 12:00pm

Man Straps Huge Stolen Street Lamp to Car

Man straps stole street lamp to car

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. But sometimes a picture is worth a thousand laughs too. This week's perp derp provided the latter for us.

According to BBC, a man in England was arrested after he was caught trying to steal two giant street lampposts. The unnamed driver had not only stolen the lampposts but had tied them to the roof of his car and driven through the streets with them sticking out over 15 feet in front and behind his car.

It seems no one knows yet exactly where he got the lamp posts or how he got them on to the top of his car by himself. Either way, it is equally impressive and hilarious.

He has since been charged with theft, DWI, and failing to tell the police what the hell he was thinking.  

Fri
Aug 4 2017 12:00pm

Naked Bank Robber Runs Down Street Throwing Money

It is not every day you see a naked man running down the street. Not to mention a naked man running down the street tossing cash like a madman. 

According to The Sun Sentinel, a 25-year-old man from Florida is in jail on robbery charges after he allegedly robbed a bank and then ran down the street completely naked, throwing the cash he just stole onto the street. Must have been quite the scene.

Here is how it all went down: The man, Alexander Hayden Sperber, entered a bank and told a teller he had a gun and that this was a robbery. The teller, of course, went along with it and put close to $5,000 in a sack and handed it over.

But what Sperber didn't know was that the teller stuffed a red dye pack in the bag with the loot. The dye pack exploded and totally covered the money and his clothing in bright red paint. The logical next choice: strip naked and run away while ridding yourself of the tainted cash. We're going streaking!

Here is the kicker: After he was placed under arrest, he told the FBI that he robbed the bank in hopes of kicking off his career as a comedian.

Funny guy, eh? I think I know where he can get his first gig...

Fri
Jul 28 2017 12:05pm

Sick Man Brings Trash Bag Full of Weed to ER

Here is a short tale about one of the many things one should not bring to a hospital when feeling under the weather.

According to The Denver Post, police from Colorado confiscated a whole trash bag full of marijuana from a 50-year-old transient man who came to a freestanding emergency room. The man told police he found the bag in the dumpster of a pot shop and thought it was okay to take due to the laws in Colorado.

The police spokesman went on to say:

“I think there’s a lot of misinformation, misconception people have, especially those out of state that marijuana is legal in Colorado period. Colorado law is specific. If more than 12 ounces of pot is in your possession, you are into the felony category now. Anywhere from 1 ounce to 12 ounces is a misdemeanor.”

Police later weighed the huge bag of wacky-tobaccy at a whopping 1.8 pounds—which has a street value of $1,200 to $2,100. They are still deciding whether to charge the man while he recovers from flu-like symptoms. Odds are they will most likely not prescribe him marijuana as treatment.

Fri
Jul 21 2017 12:00pm

Woman Gets DWI After Attempting to Bail Out Friend

You know that old saying, “Friends don't let friends drive drunk”? It seems someone forgot to mention that to a bunch of Louisiana residents.

According to the NY Post, police pulled over what they described as “a car full of drunk people,” and the driver was arrested for DWI. After the driver was taken into custody, the other passengers—who were also drunk—were sent on their merry way in a cab. The police officers figured that was the end of the story. Nope.

About one hour later, one of the drunk passengers returned to pick up the impounded vehicle and post bail for their friend. The police officer remembered her and placed her under arrest for driving while intoxicated.

Police offered their Saturday morning cartoon PSA, saying “Lesson of the day ... don't drive drunk to a police station in order to bail out your drunk friend!”

Fri
Jul 14 2017 11:08am

Suspect Claims Van Full of Marijuana Was for Personal Use

This week's perp derp must have channeled the spirit of Cheech & Chong when he claimed that a truck loaded with marijuana was all for personal use.

According to The Metro, Shane Prosser was driving along and minding his own business when police pulled him over due to the strong stench of weed that engulfed the officer as Prosser's truck drove by.

When Prosser spoke to the officers, he admitted that his passenger and himself smoked marijuana and that the truck contained some more for his own personal use. But after a quick look-see in the truck, the officers discovered hundreds of pounds of the green stuff.

They also found keys to a farm that led them to find a whole cannabis-growing operation. Prosser continued to deny that he possessed all of that cannabis with the intent to sell. Cool story, bro...

Fri
Jul 7 2017 10:53am

Suspect Attempts to Use “Get Out of Jail Free” Card

This column pokes fun at those who are not the sharpest tool in the crime shed. However, this week's perp derp gets a gold star from me for the effort he put forth during an encounter with police.

According to CBS, a man was pulled over after a police officer noticed the car was registered to someone wanted on a warrant. The officer also witnessed that the passenger was not wearing his seatbelt. After putting on his lights and pulling the gentlemen over, he discovered the passenger was also wanted on a controlled substance warrant. Double bonus.

The police officer searched the suspect, who pulled out a secret weapon: a get out of jail free card. Yes, the card from Monopoly’s “Chance” pile. The suspect took his chance but failed. He was still placed under arrest and went to jail—and he did not collect $200 either.

The officer appreciated the humor so much that he shared the story with the manager of their department's Facebook page.

Fri
Jun 30 2017 11:00am

Woman Arrested After Faking Constipation

What would you do if you knew you were about to be arrested? Would you give yourself up peacefully? Would you try to run? Would you plead? Would you... pretend to be constipated? Guess which one this week's perp derp picked.

According to the folks at WAVE-TV, Myra Cook was at the University of Louisville Hospital when police showed up to let her know that she would be arrested for drug charges upon discharge. This put Cook into a panic, but she quickly came up with a foolproof plan—or so she thought. She told the officers she needed to use the bathroom before being ushered off to jail. The officer found this to be reasonable and allowed her to go.

After about an hour, she peeked out of the bathroom to let the officers know that she was constipated and her arrest was going to have to wait. But the officer was having none of it and told her she had another minute before she would be charged with resisting arrest as well. So Cook improvised by faking a seizure. This did not go well, and she was ultimately sedated. Even after being sedated, she was not going to jail without a fight—it took seven cops just to get her into a police car! To be fair, being constipated can make you rather cranky.

Fri
Jun 23 2017 11:01am

Thieves Steal GPS Devices that Lead to Their Arrest

It takes a special kind of perp derp to steal 100 GPS tracking devices and expect not to get caught. But then we wouldn't have this column...

According to NBC, a couple of thieves stole over 100 GPS devices from a Silicon Valley company called RoamBee, who specializes in tracking technology. And as you might have easily guessed, they were caught within hours of the heist after police tracked them down using the stolen devices themselves. Duh!  

The GPS company co-founder Vidya Subramanian told reporters,"The moment we realized they had a box of trackers, we went into recovery mode. We notified the police and equipped them to track the devices, and in about 5 or 6 hours, it was done.”

The two rocket scientists thieves were arrested. Here is the strangest part of this story: besides the stolen GPS devices, police also found a stolen photo album containing irreplaceable shots from World War II.

I am glad to know those photos now have a chance to make their way back to the rightful owners. Maybe RoamBee should specialize in a Find My War Photos app for the future...

Fri
Jun 16 2017 11:02am

Waiting for Nuggets Leads to 911 Call

This week, I bring you another tale of the almighty chicken nugget. You might remember I reported on another chicken nugget incident earlier this year that involved a young man pulling a gun on a girl over the golden goodness. This time around, a woman displayed zero patience in waiting for her cripsy treat. What can I say, people really love their nuggets...

According to The New Times, police were dispatched to a McDonald's in Waco, Texas, after a woman called 9-1-1 to complain about how long her chicken nuggets were taking. Yes, you read that sentence correctly. Read it again if you are still shocked and/or confused.

Meanwhile, a restaurant employee simultaneously called the police to report the woman for refusing to leave the drive-thru lane. She really wanted her nuggets.

When the police arrived on a scene, the woman claimed she should get the nuggets for free due to how long she waited. But everyone knows there's no such thing as a free lunch. The unidentified woman was given her money back and told to scram. The nuggets were taken in for questioning.

Fri
Jun 9 2017 1:00pm

Arrogant Drug Dealer Busted During Facebook Live Stream

A drug dealer with extreme hubris thought he was all about the Benjamins until the police raided his home. The best part: all of this unfolded for the world to see via Facebook's streaming video service, Facebook Live.

According to the NY Post, Breon Hollings switched on Facebook Live to brag about how much cash he had by fanning it out and talking about how great he was. His one-man show came to an abrupt halt about a minute into his self-serving speech when he notices movement outside his window and hears a loud knock at his door. Knock, knock! Guess who?

[Watch the video below!]

Fri
May 26 2017 11:01am

Home Depot Imposter Steals Air Conditioners

This week's perp derp struggled with an identity crisis while committing a chilling robbery. Let me explain...

Bernardo Calana, 53, suited up in Home Depot armor—aka an orange apron—and posed as a faithful employee in order to steal a couple of air conditioners from a store in New Hampshire.

According to the New York Post, he tossed the air conditioner units in his truck and then quickly went back inside. An eagle-eyed manager called the police when he noticed the guy’s apron had flowers and the name “Shannon” on it.

Calana left the scene but was arrested when he returned to the store shortly after. Police say Calana denied having any knowledge of the missing air conditioners.

Fri
May 19 2017 11:03am

Shoplifter Falls Short After Robbery

Having a good getaway plan is one of the cornerstones of any good heist. Sadly, this week’s perp derp stumbled at this task in a spectacular fail.

According to NY Daily News, a woman who tried to flee from a Walmart in Canada with a shopping cart full of loot tripped herself up by face-planting into the pavement while being chased. After the fall, she quickly brushed herself off and hightailed it out of there ... without the goods or her dignity.

Police are now on the lookout for her, but they are confident they will catch the clumsy crook. The local police tweeted the fall with the hope that the someone can help track her down—and obviously for the laughs. Enjoy!