5 of the Most Heinous Criminal Acts Against Beer
By Ellie AlexanderOctober 1, 2018
Read Ellie Alexander's list of criminal acts against beer, then make sure you're signed in and comment below for a chance to win a copy of her latest Sloan Krause Mystery, The Pint of No Return!
It’s fall, also known as beer season. As crisp leaves turn golden yellow, this is the time of year to pour yourself a gorgeous hoppy pint as you cheer on your favorite football team or pull on your lederhosen and hit Oktoberfest for a selection of the best craft beer in the world. However, while imbibing bottles of that luscious nectar of the gods, here are some of the most heinous criminal acts ever committed against beer. Don’t get caught doing any of these dastardly deeds.
No self-respecting beer lover should EVER:
Drink anything brewed with Rocky Mountain oysters.
That’s right, the Wynkoop Brewing Company in Colorado turned an April Fools gag into a chocolate stout brewed with roasted bull testicles. I have many questions. Like how are said testicles roasted? And, why? Why? No amount of chocolate, smoked oats, or dark malt is going to erase the crime of brewing with bull testicles. I don’t know about you, but I feel like this act alone is a jailable offense.
Serve a beer flat.
Don’t get suckered into the nefarious trend of serving beer flat. Nothing should send a shiver down your spine like a dull, lifeless pint. Carbonation gives beer those lovely and refreshing effervescent bubbles. If you want a smooth-drinking pint, try one on nitro. But if anyone offers you a flat beer, run away—kicking and screaming!
Shotgun a beer.
As a mystery writer, the shotgun is often my weapon of choice—but please don’t pack heat when drinking craft beer. For anyone who wisely spent your school years studying in the library rather than sneaking into shady frat parties, shotgunning is the murderess process of ruining a perfectly good beer by punching a hole in the side of the can, cutting off airflow with your mouth, and cracking open the top tab to brutally force the beer through the hole. Unacceptable. Craft beer should be sipped and savored. Never shotgunned.
Warm your beer in the sun.
Come on, really? Should this crime even need to be included? Unfortunately, the answer is yes. There’s a battle raging in the world of microbrews. A wild band of outlaws are pushing propaganda that beer tastes better warm. False. Fine, maybe true. There’s some evidence that beer served warm pulls out each unique flavor—but not for me. I want my beer stored like a dead body in a basement cellar or frozen in an ice-chest.
Have a beer with a side of facial hair.
Beard beer. Let me repeat that—beard beer. The renegade brewers at Rogue Ales brewed a beer from the yeast of their brewmaster’s beard. Yes, you read that correctly. Beard yeast. Shudder. A wild yeast was plucked from his untamed facial hair and fermented into a bready brew. Eeeewww. Brewmaster John Maier’s beard is on and in every bottle. It’s time to take it a step further and plaster this criminal’s mugshot on every street corner.
Agree? Disagree? Know of any other beer crimes that have gone unsolved?
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