5 of the Most Heinous Criminal Acts Against Beer
By Ellie Alexander
October 1, 2018Read Ellie Alexander's list of criminal acts against beer, then make sure you're signed in and comment below for a chance to win a copy of her latest Sloan Krause Mystery, The Pint of No Return!
It’s fall, also known as beer season. As crisp leaves turn golden yellow, this is the time of year to pour yourself a gorgeous hoppy pint as you cheer on your favorite football team or pull on your lederhosen and hit Oktoberfest for a selection of the best craft beer in the world. However, while imbibing bottles of that luscious nectar of the gods, here are some of the most heinous criminal acts ever committed against beer. Don’t get caught doing any of these dastardly deeds.
No self-respecting beer lover should EVER:
Drink anything brewed with Rocky Mountain oysters.
That’s right, the Wynkoop Brewing Company in Colorado turned an April Fools gag into a chocolate stout brewed with roasted bull testicles. I have many questions. Like how are said testicles roasted? And, why? Why? No amount of chocolate, smoked oats, or dark malt is going to erase the crime of brewing with bull testicles. I don’t know about you, but I feel like this act alone is a jailable offense.
Serve a beer flat.
Don’t get suckered into the nefarious trend of serving beer flat. Nothing should send a shiver down your spine like a dull, lifeless pint. Carbonation gives beer those lovely and refreshing effervescent bubbles. If you want a smooth-drinking pint, try one on nitro. But if anyone offers you a flat beer, run away—kicking and screaming!
Shotgun a beer.
As a mystery writer, the shotgun is often my weapon of choice—but please don’t pack heat when drinking craft beer. For anyone who wisely spent your school years studying in the library rather than sneaking into shady frat parties, shotgunning is the murderess process of ruining a perfectly good beer by punching a hole in the side of the can, cutting off airflow with your mouth, and cracking open the top tab to brutally force the beer through the hole. Unacceptable. Craft beer should be sipped and savored. Never shotgunned.
Read an excerpt from The Pint of No Return!
Warm your beer in the sun.
Come on, really? Should this crime even need to be included? Unfortunately, the answer is yes. There’s a battle raging in the world of microbrews. A wild band of outlaws are pushing propaganda that beer tastes better warm. False. Fine, maybe true. There’s some evidence that beer served warm pulls out each unique flavor—but not for me. I want my beer stored like a dead body in a basement cellar or frozen in an ice-chest.
Have a beer with a side of facial hair.
Beard beer. Let me repeat that—beard beer. The renegade brewers at Rogue Ales brewed a beer from the yeast of their brewmaster’s beard. Yes, you read that correctly. Beard yeast. Shudder. A wild yeast was plucked from his untamed facial hair and fermented into a bready brew. Eeeewww. Brewmaster John Maier’s beard is on and in every bottle. It’s time to take it a step further and plaster this criminal’s mugshot on every street corner.
Agree? Disagree? Know of any other beer crimes that have gone unsolved?
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Comments
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I shall shun the rocky mountain oyster products!
Love to read mysteries with themes of goodies; baking, libraries, beer. All good!
I’ll drink to that!
Please enter me in this sweepstakes.
Thanks for the opportunity to win!
Really interesting article about beer. I like reading mysteries and if they include beer, well, it might make for an interesting story.
I had to share the list with my sons. There’s nothing I can add that would top those, although beer that has more fruit taste than beer taste is a pet peeve.
Count me in, please!
yes I do, and please count me in
Looking forward to the new novel.
Love mysteries, don’t like beer, except root beer!
Thanks!
Thank you for the opportunity to win!
(She HOPPS to it.)
Totally agree with all five!
This book sounds a fun read =) Thanks for the chance!
Cute title~ new author to me as well!~
Very crafty (beer)!
Um, that’s some pretty distasteful stuff all right. The book sounds excellent though, please enter my name in the draw!
Oysters and a cold one. Yes! Oysters from an ocean only, yes!
Give me plain old original draft.
Agree. You can add dirty beer glasses and bugs floating in the beer to the above.
None of these duplicate the criminal stupidity of those who two or three yea rd in the army and then fall for such beers as Coors Lite .
Books and Beer!
Rocky Mountain Oysters! Yuck!
I’m willing to give anything a try ONCE.
Probst! Thanks for the opportunity to win a book!
That Rocky mountain oyster beer is just wrong! I live in Colorado and would never try it.
I agree with them all… give me a Cider!!
Looking forward to the book 😉
Cheers~
Kelly Braun
I read the first book and would love to be able to win the next book in the series. I’m not a fan of beer but the mysteries and characters make the story.
Thanks for the giveaway!
Captivating cozy. Love this series.
Would love to win. Looks good.
These are some good ones 🙂 Serving it too warm is probably the worst crime of all lol
Series is great. Sounds so enjoyable.
Beer is great!!! just not warm or flat
Beer drinking is in my past, but I remember good beers, cold with small heads. I’m more into reading now. Gimme books.
Love books more than beer.
Sounds great! Would love to win.
Living near Beer City, USA I had to laugh out loud at these.
I promise to obey the beer rules! I would love to read the book though.
Prefer pale ales to beer. Would love to read this mystery. Thanks for the chance to win!
Don’t know what’s more gross, testicle beer or beard yeast beer. I solemnly promise to avoid both.
These are all freakin hilarious offences, but have you ever been a hunter in elk camp, drunk and decide to roast rocky mountain oysters? The 2 bull elk we had in camp got pretty hacked up that night, but they tasted great. But never has testy beer.
I agree with ones you listed and could add a couple more. Sounds great!
Thanks for the chance to win.
I like the theme!
Thanks for the warnings
Sounds great!
Great list of crimes! And EWWW…
Not a beer fan but I would still love to read this one.
Enjoyed your article – so many ways to ruin the beer drinking experience. Wish me luck!
I would love to read the book.
Sounds interesting!
I love Mysteries and Beer…what else is there to say!
Cracking up. Would really love a chance to win The Pint Of No Return, sounds great!
Agree – can’t decide which one is the worst crime
The greatest sin against beer is Light Beer
Who can forget Friday the dog and Edward Arnold as the blind detective in the Duncan Mcclain series. Friday -a German shepherd- was billed as the smartest dog ever
No Rocky Mountain Oysters!
I do not see any good reason to ruin beer with rocky mountain oysters—I opt for a side of Buffalo chicken wings!
Rocky Mountain Oysters…don’t let the name fool you! Beer or no beer!
Beard yeast? Gag I may never trust craft beer again. I’ll stick to my Stella artois thanks.
odd
So glad I am not a beer drinker. I would like to read the book.
Beard Beer is going to haunt me.
You’re absolutely right. It is offensive to drink hairy, flat, warm, shotgun ball beer. Thanks for the heads up and the opportunity to win a copy of “The Pint of No Return”.
This looks so good! Can’t wait.
Sounds interesting! Would love to win! Thanks!
I am not a beer drinker but I had a couple of eeeewww moments there! Thanks for the giveaway.
Beer for Life !
My boyfriend has a beard and someone told him about the beard beer, luckily we’re not beer drinkers!
A frosted mug with that book!
sounds like a fun one
Sounds like a fun read.
I love beer. Good list.
Can hardly wait to see how this mystery brews!
Those are terrible. I think I will show my son.
I love the mystery series even though I am not a drinker. At least it is fun and interesting and I am avid reader and love to give honest reviews.
Not a fan of fruit flavored beers. Grapefruit? Bleah.
Sounds good! Thanks for the chance to win a copy of this book.
The very idea of beard beer is horrifying. Fortunately all of Sloane’s creations sound much better!