5 of the Most Heinous Criminal Acts Against Beer

Read Ellie Alexander's list of criminal acts against beer, then make sure you're signed in and comment below for a chance to win a copy of her latest Sloan Krause Mystery, The Pint of No Return!

It’s fall, also known as beer season. As crisp leaves turn golden yellow, this is the time of year to pour yourself a gorgeous hoppy pint as you cheer on your favorite football team or pull on your lederhosen and hit Oktoberfest for a selection of the best craft beer in the world. However, while imbibing bottles of that luscious nectar of the gods, here are some of the most heinous criminal acts ever committed against beer. Don’t get caught doing any of these dastardly deeds.

No self-respecting beer lover should EVER:

Drink anything brewed with Rocky Mountain oysters.

Rocky Mountain Oyster Stout – Wynkoop Brewing Company

That’s right, the Wynkoop Brewing Company in Colorado turned an April Fools gag into a chocolate stout brewed with roasted bull testicles. I have many questions. Like how are said testicles roasted? And, why? Why? No amount of chocolate, smoked oats, or dark malt is going to erase the crime of brewing with bull testicles. I don’t know about you, but I feel like this act alone is a jailable offense.

Serve a beer flat.

Don’t get suckered into the nefarious trend of serving beer flat. Nothing should send a shiver down your spine like a dull, lifeless pint. Carbonation gives beer those lovely and refreshing effervescent bubbles. If you want a smooth-drinking pint, try one on nitro. But if anyone offers you a flat beer, run away—kicking and screaming!

Shotgun a beer.

As a mystery writer, the shotgun is often my weapon of choice—but please don’t pack heat when drinking craft beer. For anyone who wisely spent your school years studying in the library rather than sneaking into shady frat parties, shotgunning is the murderess process of ruining a perfectly good beer by punching a hole in the side of the can, cutting off airflow with your mouth, and cracking open the top tab to brutally force the beer through the hole. Unacceptable. Craft beer should be sipped and savored. Never shotgunned.

Read an excerpt from The Pint of No Return!

Warm your beer in the sun.

Come on, really? Should this crime even need to be included? Unfortunately, the answer is yes. There’s a battle raging in the world of microbrews. A wild band of outlaws are pushing propaganda that beer tastes better warm. False. Fine, maybe true. There’s some evidence that beer served warm pulls out each unique flavor—but not for me. I want my beer stored like a dead body in a basement cellar or frozen in an ice-chest.

Have a beer with a side of facial hair.

Beard beer. Let me repeat that—beard beer. The renegade brewers at Rogue Ales brewed a beer from the yeast of their brewmaster’s beard. Yes, you read that correctly. Beard yeast. Shudder. A wild yeast was plucked from his untamed facial hair and fermented into a bready brew. Eeeewww. Brewmaster John Maier’s beard is on and in every bottle. It’s time to take it a step further and plaster this criminal’s mugshot on every street corner.

Agree? Disagree? Know of any other beer crimes that have gone unsolved?

Comment below for a chance to win a copy of The Pint of No Return by Ellie Alexander!

To enter, make sure you’re a registered member of the site and simply leave a comment below.

The Pint of No Return Comment Sweepstakes: NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN.  A purchase does not improve your chances of winning.  Sweepstakes open to legal residents of 50 United States, D.C., and Canada (excluding Quebec), who are 18 years or older as of the date of entry.  To enter, complete the “Post a Comment” entry at https://www.criminalelement.com/5-of-the-most-heinous-criminal-acts-against-beer-comment-sweepstakes beginning at 3:00 p.m. Eastern Time (ET) October 1, 2018. Sweepstakes ends at 2:59 p.m. ET October 9, 2018. Void outside the United States and Canada and where prohibited by law. Please see full details and official rules here. Sponsor: Macmillan, 175 Fifth Ave., New York, NY 10010.

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Comments

  1. John Smith

    I shall shun the rocky mountain oyster products!

  2. Shirley Evans

    Love to read mysteries with themes of goodies; baking, libraries, beer. All good!

  3. Michael Carter

    I’ll drink to that!
    Please enter me in this sweepstakes.

  4. HESTER MAYO

    Thanks for the opportunity to win!

  5. Joy Isley

    Really interesting article about beer. I like reading mysteries and if they include beer, well, it might make for an interesting story.

  6. Donna M Miller

    I had to share the list with my sons. There’s nothing I can add that would top those, although beer that has more fruit taste than beer taste is a pet peeve.

  7. Desmond Warzel

    Count me in, please!

  8. Jackie Mungle

    yes I do, and please count me in

  9. Andy

    Looking forward to the new novel.

  10. Rebecca Booth

    Love mysteries, don’t like beer, except root beer!
    Thanks!

  11. M. Munoz

    Thank you for the opportunity to win!

  12. Theresa Kulenkamp

    (She HOPPS to it.)

  13. Carolyn

    Totally agree with all five!

  14. Elena

    This book sounds a fun read =) Thanks for the chance!

  15. becky

    Cute title~ new author to me as well!~

  16. Ronnie

    Very crafty (beer)!

  17. carloshmarlo

    Um, that’s some pretty distasteful stuff all right. The book sounds excellent though, please enter my name in the draw!

  18. Johanna Brocker

    Oysters and a cold one. Yes! Oysters from an ocean only, yes!

  19. Doris Scheitler

    Give me plain old original draft.

  20. Lori P

    Agree. You can add dirty beer glasses and bugs floating in the beer to the above.

  21. John Turner

    None of these duplicate the criminal stupidity of those who two or three yea rd in the army and then fall for such beers as Coors Lite .

  22. Jenny Cole

    Books and Beer!

  23. Ruth F

    Rocky Mountain Oysters! Yuck!

  24. Susan C.

    I’m willing to give anything a try ONCE.

  25. dbranigan

    Probst! Thanks for the opportunity to win a book!

  26. Trisha McCullough

    That Rocky mountain oyster beer is just wrong! I live in Colorado and would never try it.

  27. Gaelicark

    I agree with them all… give me a Cider!!
    Looking forward to the book 😉

    Cheers~
    Kelly Braun

  28. Paula Adams

    I read the first book and would love to be able to win the next book in the series. I’m not a fan of beer but the mysteries and characters make the story.

  29. Don Mcclure

    Thanks for the giveaway!

  30. Anne

    Captivating cozy. Love this series.

  31. ILene Harris

    Would love to win. Looks good.

  32. Anastasia

    These are some good ones 🙂 Serving it too warm is probably the worst crime of all lol

  33. Pearl

    Series is great. Sounds so enjoyable.

  34. Jean Boe

    Beer is great!!! just not warm or flat

  35. susan beamon

    Beer drinking is in my past, but I remember good beers, cold with small heads. I’m more into reading now. Gimme books.

  36. donna musche

    Love books more than beer.

  37. Karen Mikusak

    Sounds great! Would love to win.

  38. ViolinGeek

    Living near Beer City, USA I had to laugh out loud at these.

  39. Karen Hale

    I promise to obey the beer rules! I would love to read the book though.

  40. Melissa Lawrence

    Prefer pale ales to beer. Would love to read this mystery. Thanks for the chance to win!

  41. Amy Donahue

    Don’t know what’s more gross, testicle beer or beard yeast beer. I solemnly promise to avoid both.

  42. Chris Rasmussen

    These are all freakin hilarious offences, but have you ever been a hunter in elk camp, drunk and decide to roast rocky mountain oysters? The 2 bull elk we had in camp got pretty hacked up that night, but they tasted great. But never has testy beer.

  43. Sara Lontcoski

    I agree with ones you listed and could add a couple more. Sounds great!

  44. Jeana

    Thanks for the chance to win.

  45. Anita Sue Hamilton

    I like the theme!

  46. Karen Hester

    Thanks for the warnings

  47. pablo101

    Sounds great!

  48. Janet Gould

    Great list of crimes! And EWWW…

  49. Catherine Myers

    Not a beer fan but I would still love to read this one.

  50. Deb Philippon

    Enjoyed your article – so many ways to ruin the beer drinking experience. Wish me luck!

  51. Karl Stenger

    I would love to read the book.

  52. Susanne Troop

    Sounds interesting!

  53. rebecca ward

    I love Mysteries and Beer…what else is there to say!

  54. Susan Marshall

    Cracking up. Would really love a chance to win The Pint Of No Return, sounds great!

  55. MaryC

    Agree – can’t decide which one is the worst crime

  56. Charles Hauser

    The greatest sin against beer is Light Beer

  57. Charles Hauser

    Who can forget Friday the dog and Edward Arnold as the blind detective in the Duncan Mcclain series. Friday -a German shepherd- was billed as the smartest dog ever

  58. Christal M

    No Rocky Mountain Oysters!

  59. estelle sancomb

    I do not see any good reason to ruin beer with rocky mountain oysters—I opt for a side of Buffalo chicken wings!

  60. Dianna Young

    Rocky Mountain Oysters…don’t let the name fool you! Beer or no beer!

  61. Aleece White

    Beard yeast? Gag I may never trust craft beer again. I’ll stick to my Stella artois thanks.

  62. lasvegasnv

    odd

  63. Marisa Young

    So glad I am not a beer drinker. I would like to read the book.

  64. Penni Ellington

    Beard Beer is going to haunt me.

  65. Jane Schwarz

    You’re absolutely right. It is offensive to drink hairy, flat, warm, shotgun ball beer. Thanks for the heads up and the opportunity to win a copy of “The Pint of No Return”.

  66. Tiffany

    This looks so good! Can’t wait.

  67. Barbara Bates

    Sounds interesting! Would love to win! Thanks!

  68. Sally Schmidt

    I am not a beer drinker but I had a couple of eeeewww moments there! Thanks for the giveaway.

  69. SUSAN GANNON

    Beer for Life !

  70. Rachel Carter

    My boyfriend has a beard and someone told him about the beard beer, luckily we’re not beer drinkers!

  71. Kris Kaminski

    A frosted mug with that book!

  72. Daniel M

    sounds like a fun one

  73. Karen Terry

    Sounds like a fun read.

  74. Laurent L

    I love beer. Good list.

  75. Susan Morris

    Can hardly wait to see how this mystery brews!

  76. Linda Kish

    Those are terrible. I think I will show my son.

  77. Sherrie Wood

    I love the mystery series even though I am not a drinker. At least it is fun and interesting and I am avid reader and love to give honest reviews.

  78. Pat D

    Not a fan of fruit flavored beers. Grapefruit? Bleah.

  79. RD

    Sounds good! Thanks for the chance to win a copy of this book.

  80. Rebecca Swanson

    The very idea of beard beer is horrifying. Fortunately all of Sloane’s creations sound much better!

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