Warlock Holmes: My Grave Ritual: New Excerpt
By G.S. Denning
May 18, 2018Warlock Holmes: My Grave Ritual by G.S. Denning is the third book in the hilarious and clever Warlock Holmes series.
As they blunder towards doom, Warlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson find themselves inconvenienced by a variety of eldritch beings. Christmas brings a goose that doesn’t let being cooked slow it down; they meet an electricity demon, discover why being a redhead is even tricker than one might imagine, and Holmes attempts an Irish accent. And, naturally, Moriarty is hanging around … in some form or other.
Excerpt
Rumination wants tobacco.
How else is the well-bred gentleman to communicate to the world that he is deep in thought? If he cannot furrow his brow, lean the leather-patched elbow of his thinking jacket down upon the table in front of him, chew thoughtfully at the stem of his pipe, taking occasional, reflective puffs and staring off into the middle-distance—how is he to make it clear he’s engaged in deep cogitation? Why, he might just be sitting there, doing nothing at all!
In other words, it was a damned inconvenient day to be out of tobacco, for I had much to ponder. I elected to do what any gentleman would. No, not put on my boots and walk a block to the tobacconist’s. To steal some of my companion’s, of course. Holmes had tobacco. I knew it, because of the rather strange storage method he’d worked out. A few days previous I’d woken to find my friend had nailed an old Persian slipper to our mantel, hanging toe downwards. To my continued surprise, I found it stuffed with tobacco. I’m sure I meant to howl at him for it, but I’d forgotten. What was one more domestic peculiarity, in the face of my present woes?
I had this problem with the Woman, you see. I had this problem with Moriarty.
I stole a pipeful of Holmes’s shag and sat down to worry. Clearly, the game was afoot once more. I knew my opponents, but not their goals. In point of fact, I didn’t even know the Woman’s name. (Though there was every indication it wasn’t Bang Cleopatra.) I puffed and pondered. I had to assume the Woman’s plan continued to move forward to some nefarious purpose, hidden from my sight. What was my counter-move? I needed to make one, didn’t I? Surely I should not just sit about, smoking, while the game moved on without me!
Speaking of which…
I got up and helped myself to a second pipeful of Holmes’s stash and sat back down.
At least my two problems had become one. The Woman—so far as we knew—was in current possession of the Moriarty Rune. But was she working with him or against him? Whatever the case, I realized I must think of Moriarty as nothing but an accessory to my true, current nemesis. Yes, my current focus must be upon the Woman and my first moves must be designed to gather information. I had almost decided to get up and actually do something, when the door opened and removed my chance.
“Hullo, Watson!” Warlock piped up, hanging his coat on its hook by the door. “How goes the brooding?”
“Fairly well, I suppose. Oh, I hope you don’t mind, but I helped myself to a bit of your tobacco.”
“Think nothing of it,” said Holmes, and started jauntily back towards his room. Just as he swung open his door, he stopped. It seems some unpleasant remembrance had suddenly arisen to trouble him. His lips pinched together in thought for a moment, then he slowly said, “Except… I am currently out of tobacco.”
“No you’re not; you’ve got a whole slipper full of it, hanging just over there.”
“Ah! What have you done?” shouted Holmes. He recoiled, staring back and forth between myself and the slipper, then demanded, “Who are you?”
“Me? I am John Watson. Your friend.”
“Are you? I do not address the flesh only, but the will that commands it! Name yourself !”
“Um… still John…”
“I invoke the name of Xantharaxes the Undying! If he is present, he must declare himself !”
“I’m John. I’m Watson. Same as always.”
“Oh?” said Holmes, brightening. “Well that’s lucky, isn’t it?” He marched over to me, took my pipe, stared thoughtfully into the bowl for a few moments and gave the ash a poke. “Hmmm…” he said, then went to the mantel and gave a few thoughtful finger-jabs down into the slipper.
“So, this can be smoked? I wouldn’t have thought it.”
“Of course tobacco can be smoked. That’s what it’s for.”
“I know perfectly well what tobacco is for,” said Holmes, rolling his eyes at me. “What I do not understand is why you’d assume this to be tobacco.”
“Well… because it looks and smells like it.”
“Really?” He gave a few more pokes down into the slipper, then gave it a reluctant, inquisitive sniff. “I suppose it does, rather.”
“Holmes?”
“Yes, Watson?”
“Are you telling me that’s not tobacco?”
“What? Oh… er… you know what, let’s not worry about that, eh?”
“Holmes, what is in that slipper?”
“I’m not sure you want to know, Watson.”
“Well, now I really do.”
“You promise you won’t be angry?”
“No. I don’t promise that at all.”
Holmes gave a little sigh and asked, “Have you heard of Darius I?”
“The Achaemenid Persian king?”
“That’s the fellow. He wasn’t born to that throne; he took it by force. He had a whole story set up, where the reigning king wasn’t really who he claimed to be, but an impostor who needed to be murdered. Which Darius did, with the help of six rich friends, three thieves, two tricksters and one rather impressive sorcerer: Xantharaxes the Undying. But once he had the throne, he had a problem: those twelve people knew for certain that he wasn’t the legitimate king. The rich friends got to stay, but it wasn’t long before he decided the thieves, tricksters and sorcerers needed to go. Of course he worried—not without reason—that the murder of Xantharaxes the Undying might be a bit of a difficult egg to poach. Xantharaxes had made the claim that the pieces of his mortal remains, no matter how damaged, would mend and regain life after his death. Darius, it seems, had reason to believe it.
Thus, immediately following the execution, Xantharaxes was mummified, shredded, wrapped in some of his old clothes and scattered across the length and breadth of the Persian Empire. It was thought that this might prevent his resurrection—if not forever, then for a very great while.”
“I just smoked part of a mummy?” I cried, clutching my throat.
“Nobody’s fault but your own, Watson.”
“But… why is it even here?” I asked.
“I stole it from Moriarty, years ago,” said Holmes.
“He had a fascination with immortality. It was his main pursuit, while he lived.”
“And why did you decide to nail it to our mantelpiece?”
“I caught it trying to walk out of here a few nights ago.
Nailed the thing to the fireplace to keep it from wandering off.”
“I see,” I said. “So, in fact, the contents of your old Persian slipper are not tobacco, but…”
“An old Persian,” said Holmes. “And if I’m honest,
Watson, it seems like a much more apt thing to keep there, don’t you think? Why, if someone came up to me and said,
‘Guess what I’ve got in this old Persian slipper?’ I think, ‘An old Persian,’ would cross my mind long before, ‘Some delicious pipe-weed, which you have chosen to nail to the furniture.’ Really, Watson, that famous intellect of yours seems to have failed you. Not your finest hour, I fear.”
I could not bring myself to disagree. Holmes kept peering into the slipper, giving its contents the occasional, exploratory poke. “Who would have thought?” he mused.
“It’s a poor sort of immortality that can be overcome by a trusty old briar pipe and a match, eh? Oh! Say, Watson, I don’t suppose you’d consider doing the world a favor and finishing the old fellow off, would you? Just think: a weekend with a good book, a snifter of brandy and as many pipefuls of the old Xantharaxes as a fellow could ask for!”
“Er… well… now that I know the nature of the stuff I’ll confess I’m a bit less keen. Holmes, am I going to be all right?”
“I should think so. You haven’t infused yourself with all of Xantharaxes, you know, just a tiny part of him. And he was known for nothing but immortality and prophecy, in any case. Nothing dangerous. I should think you’ll notice nothing but a few minor effects along those lines.”
“What do you mean?”
“Oh, you know, minor invulnerability. If you nick yourself with your razor this week, you might not bleed. You might stub a toe and not care. Oh, and some lesser powers of prophecy. Might be a good week to purchase a lottery ticket or invest in stocks. And some prophetic dreaming, I would think. Yes, that’s practically a given.”
“Prophetic dreaming?”
“Absolutely.”
Copyright © 2018 G.S. Denning.
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Sounds like a funny read. Cheers.
Just the summer read I am looking for — quirky.
sounds like a fun one
These all sound great! I would be delighted to read these!
Looks like a great series 🙂
This sounds like a really fun series!
I would love to read the book.
I have to check out this series!
Sounds interesting………
Yes, very intriguing!
How happy I am to find my summer reads!
These look hilarious. I can’t wait to dive into them!
I like mysteries
And yet another take on Sherlock! Seems pretty interesting.
Sounds great!
Should be a crime not to read Warlock Holmes 🙂
Sounds like a clever twist on the original prose…
I was caught up within the first paragraph!
This series looks like a lot of fun.
Sounds great!
You’ve got my attention. Would love to read more.
Sounds like fun
Hope to win , three great works !
Wow! Sounds so good. Fingers crossed 🤞🏻
I’m addicted to any and all variations in the Sherlock genre and this series looks terrific!
I’ve been looking for a new read, and this fits the bill! Thanks for sharing.
What fun! I’m adding this to my book wish list.
I love books using the deductions of SH.
This looks like a great summer read, bring it on.
Thank you
What a fantastic excerpt! Can’t wait to read the rest! Fingers crossed! 🙂
Looks like it will be fun.
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Looks good.
I’d love to get into this series!
Sounds like it could be interesting.
Sounds like a super fun read.
This looks like a lot of fun.
captures the spirit of the original stories with a dash of magic
Hope to win!
Looks great
What a fun concept for a series’
sounds likes great book. Can’t wait to read.
I love Holmes & Watson. This is a different twist to two well-loved characters. Love that the author managed to make it fun. Would like to read the rest of the book.
I would really like to read the books in sequence, thank for the chance to win!
I finally have plenty of time to read! (an advantage of getting old, right?)
Clever and captivating. Thanks.
Fascinating and a book which I would enjoy greatly.
Sounds like fun! Look forward to reading!
How did I miss these? An investigation is in order.
a Sherlock fan looking for a new experience.
A new Holmes & Watson, sounds like fun. Would love to read them.
I’m a huge fan of the first Warlock Holmes book. Can’t wait to read books two and now three!
Hi, This series is new to me, but right down my reading alley! Many thanks for this opportunity…
Cindi
I’m a huge Holmes fan and wonder if this is a bit too far out of my wheelhouse, but I’m willing to give it a try.
Count me in, please!
I definitely want to check this series out!
I have a friend who is an avid Sherlockian – I’d LOVE to give her this as a gift and her birthday is coming up pretty soon!
Would really enjoy the read.
Sounds as if the author had tongue firmly in cheek while penning this series.
Any mention of the Woman and Moriarty and I’m in! Sounds like great banter between Holmes and Watson, too. Beautiful book covers!
I love it! I hadn’t seen this series previously and it’s definitely got a place on my TBR list.
cool
This is the first I have read about this series. Creative, witty and out-of-the- box. Very appealing!
Love it
I can’t wait to read this series.
Sounds great! Would love to win.
I would love to win.
Yes, please enter me in this sweepstakes.
Thanks!
This looks and feels like a whole new take on the Holmes/Watson oeuvre. It’s got me curious!
Ok, this sounds like a hoot! How on Earth did I miss this series until now?!?
Funny! I love it.
Loved the excerpt and can’t wait to read the entire thing!
Loved the excerpt and can’t believe I missed this series. Sounds like a lot of fun
This is my first introduction to Warlock Holmes, now I must have more. Thanks for the chance to win.
Looks like a great read! Looking forward to the whole series 😉
These look like so much fun – I have to try them out!
Love the clues, mystery and intent for…well it is Warlock Holmes
I love the world of Sherlock Holmes and try to read everything I can find about that world and the different versions. I do not know how I missed these books. I have added them to my TBR list.
Looks good
It sounds like an awesome read
I love any kind of Sherlock books
How have I missed these?
I would like this.
Love this series. Great fun. Tallyho!
Sounds good.
These sound interesting, I read Sherlock Holmes growing up, watched movies and series.
This book sounds like a good read.
Can’t wait to sink my teeth into these!
Would loveto read this set this Summer!
I want this GREAT SUMMER READ.
It is interesting, the number of ways Sherlock Holmes can show up as. It’s like the man is a complete chameleon.
This seems like a pretty amusing book. I would love to check out the whole series.
Interesting premise. Should be a good read.
Always looking for a new twist on Urban Fantasy.
Thanks for the chance to win some fun books.
Interesting series
If I don’t win these, I’ll have to go out and buy at least one — good summer reading.
So looking forward to this!
What a delightful take on the classic Holmes! I thoroughly enjoy reading reimaginings of classic characters in new and unusual environments. ‘Pride and Prejudice and Zombies,’ ‘Stoker & Holmes,’ ‘Young Sherlock Holmes’ and so many others.
interesting
Can’t wait to read this.
Being a fan of Sherlock Holmes and also of mash-ups, this sounds like the perfect series to me!
Definitely going to read.
Yesss!
A must read!
these look fun. Lovecraftian Holmes – Yea!
I am so excited for this book. The others were fantastic!
I hadn’t heard of this series, but it looks great! I’m adding them to my TBR list whether I win them or not.
Looks good, I would love to win!
The title alone is right up my alley.
Sounds like a great take on the Sherlock series! I love retellings and reimagining’s!
Definitely will start this series
looks good, excerpt was a great quick read in my morning mail
I love the different take on the zworld of Holmes & Watson! Would love to win! 💜💜💜
This is a new series to me, and it sounds really good! Thanks for the chance to win.
I love sherlock holmes but have not had an opportunity to read this series.
Looks good.
Wow, I’d love to win all three. Then I wouldn’t just be able to read the first one and spend the summer on hold at the library for the rest of the series!
This series looks like just the books for me! Thanks!
Clever! Holmes with a twist!
I would love to read these clever and amusing books. Sounds like the perfect summer diversion.
This series sounds like a lot of fun!
read the excerpt-thanks for the giveaway
Looks fun!!
Would love to read this series. Love every thing Sherlock!!
How much fun! Can’t wait to read it.
These sound great
These books sound very interesting!
Thank you for this opportunity
Could be a fun read.
Sounds interesting!
Sounds like a fun time for all.
These books sound like a lot of fun reading.
Can’t wait to read the new one. Lots of fun!!
Sounds like an interesting read.
Love. To get. This. One
Thanks for the chance! These sound great!
I hope I win!
This might have Sir Arthur tossing a bit in his grave, but it should be entertaining.
Is it wrong that in my mind I heard the excerpt in Benjamin Cumberbatch’s voice?
How did I not hear about this series? Must add to my TBR list!
Sounds like a good series!
The new site design is cool, but couldn’t find a way to log in! Hope I can still enter 🙂
I somehow missed that there was more to this series. Can’t wait!!
These sound great
I am always interested in finding good, new books; this series looks especially promising.
Looking forward to reading this set. Great author!
Looks like an awful lot of fun – Yay!
sounds like a great book
This series looks to be a nice little ride through imagination 🙂
sounds like a great summer read
This seems like a new, fresh, modern twist on the old series..they sound like great fun to lose yourself in..it seems like these books would be a very enjoyable read..
Interesting spin on a timeless duo. Would live to read.
I just stumbled upon the first in this series the other day and am really intrigued by the concept – there are a LOT of Holmes spin-offs and it’s getting harder to find a fresh and original one, but this seems like it just might fit that bill! I’d love to win the set and dig in!!
I’m so excited about this!
Looking forward to reading this!
What fun. After reading this excerpt I immediately put these books ‘on hold’ at the library. Unfortunately there’s a lot of people ahead of me so it would be wonderful to win these and read them on the cottage dock this summer.
Very clever. I’ll take a look.
The story line sounds to be very entertaining. Would love to give another writer a look see.
What fun! Thanks for the opportunity to win.
thanks for the chance to win.
My daughter a great fan of the Sherlock tv series and supernatural books and tv series will undoubtedly enjoy these thanks for the tip.
I’d love to read more.
Very amusing! Haven’t read any of these books so it would be great to win the set. Many thanks.
I always love stuff based upon Doyle’s work. Be they expansion, re-interpretations, “untold” adventures.
Looks like a book my son would like.
Warlock Holmes sounds like so much fun! I’d love to read these.
I apologize if I already commented. I don’t know if I did or not so just in case I am commenting again. It sounds great and I love a shot at it.
I’m already hooked – this looks like fun!
Sounds interesting. Would like to read.
I’ve been looking to get into a new book series, and this looks like it would really be interesting! I’m sure it’s one I’d read over and over again!
Would love to win this set of very interesting books!
I definitely want to read this series. Thanks for the giveaway!
Sounds like a great series. Thanks for the giveaway!
Sounds like a fun read!
I can’t wait to read this book.
This series sounds so good!!!
Thanks for the chance!
A splendid combination of wit and charm.
I hope I win these books, but if not I’ll be out looking for them. They sound fun.
Sounds like a fun read!
Sounds like a wonderful read
This looks great
I’ve been on a kick reading Sherlock imitations of all types. Hadn’t heard of this series, which looks wonderful.
It sounds great. I would love to read it.
Sound like a great read. Mystery and humor, my two favorite reads.
I’d love to read another Holmes and Watson book, and this one looks great!
Looks good
Thanks for the great giveaway!
these sound funny!
I wanna read this so bad
Thanks for the chance!