Once Upon a Crime: A Collaborative Story in Need of a Title
By Crime HQ
November 5, 2019
This past week, we ventured to surprisingly chilly Lonestar locale of Dallas, TX, to celebrate Bouchercon 2019, and while we were there, we teamed up with our pals over at Minotaur Books to help sponsor a collaborative short story penned by a huge collection of their all-star authors. With a combination of nearly 20 authors and avians, the words soared from their minds, and the results were fantastic. But there’s one problem: we don’t have a title. That’s where YOU come in!
What we need is for you to read the short story below and come up with a title. Leave your suggestions in the comments, and in a couple of weeks, we’ll choose our favorite title and design a cover.
The winner will not only have the honor of naming these star authors’ work, but they’ll also receive a mega-bundle of books from all of the participating authors! So get your reading glasses out, put your thinking caps on, and have at it! (A full list of participating authors can be found underneath the story.)
The Story Begins…
When I opened the door, I was expecting a sausage and pepperoni pizza, not a thug with a gun. He stared at me… I stared at him… I wasn’t sure what I would do without that pizza…
“Where’s the falcon?” he growled, gesturing with the gun. “I know you’ve got it.”
I furthered into the room, unsure of what was happening. Really, where was that falcon?!
The fox. Oh, God, I can’t believe he got inside. He must have … never mind… where’s the pizza.
I looked at the thug with the gun and the pizza and wondered if I could distract him by offering him the canary? Except the canary had already sang. And been killed. Dang it.
“No,” cried the thug, who looked astonishingly like my Aunt Sadie. “I want the falcon. The stuff that dreams are made of!”
“For God’s sake,” I said. “It’s Halloween. Everyone was supposed to show up dressed as a bird. What’s up with the gun? And where’s the damn pizza? We’re all hungry!”
* * *
Meanwhile, Roy sat behind the wheel of the car and wondered how long does it take for a woman to give a guy the bird. If the falcon didn’t get out here soon, heads were definitely going to roll. The people who hired Roy and the thug were not known for their patience. Sure enough, just seconds later, Joey Hawk—the biggest, baddest thug of them all—showed up with a gold plated machete.
“If I don’t get the falcon within the next two minutes,” he said, “The Hawk is going to take this machete to the nearest person dressed like a bird!”
Just then, my grandpa Vinnie shuffled in, clutching a bag of Reese’s leftover from the trick-or-treaters. He was still wearing the featherhead. “There he is!” hollered the thug. “That’s the falcon!”
Tiring of the Dashiell Hammett homage, and worrying about Vinnie, I threw a left hook that laid the thug flat. The hawk howled, in a very high pitched voice that sounded weirdly like a bird, and charged forward, brandishing the machete. I parried the machete with the falcon, and hit him twice over the head.
“This is a blooming ex-parrot!”
Suddenly, out of the bushes jumped a man. A large man. With a distinctive profile.
“CUT!” He cried. “This is NOT what I envisioned for The Birds!”
So now that you’ve read what the authors came up with, it’s time for you to help us out by coming up with a title.
Participating Authors: Donna Andrews, Susanna Calkins, Kelli Stanley, Vivien Chien, Jane Cleland, Hannah Dennison, Mariah Fredericks, Ellen Crosby, David Housewright, Kristen Lepionka, Jess Montgomery, S. C. Perkins, Joanna Schaffhausen, Paula Munier, Will Thomas, Ryan Wick.
Comment below for a chance to win a mega-bundle of all the story’s participating authors!
To enter, make sure you’re a registered member of the site and simply leave a comment below.
Once Upon a Crime Comment Sweepstakes: NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN. A purchase does not improve your chances of winning. Sweepstakes open to legal residents of 50 United States, D.C., and Canada (excluding Quebec), who are 18 years or older as of the date of entry. To enter, complete the “Post a Comment” entry at http://criminalelement.com/once-upon-a-crime-a-collaborative-story-in-need-of-a-title beginning at 4:00 p.m. Eastern Time (ET) November 4, 2019. Sweepstakes ends 3:59 p.m. ET November 30, 2016. Void outside the United States and Canada and where prohibited by law. Please see full details and official rules here. Sponsor: Macmillan, 120 Broadway, New York, NY 10271.
Comments
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Title: Bulwer-Lytton’s Revenge
The Birds Delivered
Title: Bird in the Hand?
Great group of collaborators. I would love to have their books.
The Early Bird Gets The Thug?
Trick, No Treat
Prey. Of. The. Hawk
The bird is the Word.
Psycho Birds of Halloween
For the Birds
Bad Hawk Down
Fowl Play
Flipped out Flock
A Confederacy of Confabulators
Bye Bye Birdies
Happily Ever Raptor
My Prey Is Pizza
A Bird in Hand Ain’t Worth a Damn if There’s No Pizza
Where the Flock is the Pizza?
The Birds of Halloween
Swan Song
Title: That Mysterious Falcon
Wren Push Comes to Shove
Outfoxed the Hawk
Felons of a Feather Flock Together
avian dreams
Hawk Sword
Fowl Prey
“Waiter, there’s a feather on my pizza!”
Funny!
The Flightless Falcon
Polly Wants a Sausage and Pepperoni Pizza
The Falcon and the Pizza Man
Freakin’ Flock
What the Hawk?
Or
What the Falcon?
Diseased Yaks on the Loose
Bad Hawk Down
“Birds of a Feather Write Together”
“This is Why I Prefer Birds to Actors”
Pizza Is For The Birds
My suggested title is “Birdbrains.”
Gooping Gauno & Gleaning Pizza
“When the Hawk Hits Your Eye like a Big Pizza Pie, It’s Tippi Time in the Ol’ Hacienda Once More”
Hammett Fake Out
Harmless Love Birds (homage to Hitchcock’s The Birds)
If Love to read a nd review this collection!
“A Pizza My Mind, or Who Flipped the Bird?”
The Old Bag and the Bird
“Pizza Vs. Pistol.” (In dramatic pulp-fiction style lettering.)
“Birds eye view” or
“The Maltese Pepperoni”
The Hawk, The Old Falcon, and Pizza With Everything or One Flew Over the Pizza Party
Birds of Broadway
A Bird in the Hand is Worth 2 Pizzas
This Is For The Birds!
A Halloween Special Delivery
Angry Birds-Hungry and Haunted
A Movie Fit For The Birds!
The Falcon In Flight
The Making Of A Meat-Lovers Movie
The Dead Dough Pizza Delivery
The Falcon Flick in Flight-Special Delivery
The Peregrine Falcon Flick
Birds Diving for Dough
The Thick-Crusted Tiercel
A Kneady Dough Bird
The Bumbling Birds
Making a Movie with a Twisted Crust
Trick or Tweet; A Story of Birds and Bedlam
Thank you for a chance at winning. would love some books.
The Minotaur Falcon
avians
thanks for chance
Ruffled Feathers and a Pizza